GUILFORD, CT—Watching in horror as he silently calculated whether he would be able to dive and catch the dropped infant before its body hit the floor, local man Ken Esposito told reporters Wednesday that his sister was insanely letting their 98-year-old grandma hold her newborn. “Are you sure Grandma can support the baby’s head with her arthritic hands?” said Esposito, looking around nervously to see if any of his cousins were also concerned by the idea of handing a vulnerable infant over to an extremely frail woman who had long since lost any grasp on reality. “Come on, the baby is, like, 9 pounds, and Grandma doesn’t have any grip strength. I mean, Jesus Christ, she can’t even hold up a ladle anymore! Why would you even want a picture of this? Grandma is not looking good. This could go sideways real quick.” At press time, the tense situation had reportedly been defused when the grandmother was given a doll to hold instead, which she instantly believed was the real thing.
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