Each week, Good Weekend’s how-to column shares expert advice on how to navigate some of modern life’s big – and small – challenges. This week: How to get a date IRL.
Two words. “Generous curiosity.” When approaching someone you don’t know, says Sydney University professor of linguistics Nick Enfield, “don’t fall back on small talk, which is generic and indiscriminate. Instead, try for something relevant to the real human being in front of you.” The goal is to get the other person talking about something they know (generosity), that you’re interested in (curiosity).
Observe, and inquire. “How do you find those fitness trackers?” or “Those are cool shoes. Do they keep your feet dry?” This prompt for information makes the other person feel comfortable, interesting and knowledgeable – which, in turn, makes them feel positively towards you. Remember the words of Publilius Syrus: “We are interested in others when they are interested in us.”
Do not talk about yourself. And do not ask them about themselves. “People talking about themselves is where conversations go to die,” says Enfield. Instead of defensiveness, aim for optimism. “Whoever this person is, I’m sure I can learn something.”
As the conversation gets underway, stay mindful. Do not just fill the dead air, Enfield says. “Too often we’re just mindlessly talking about stuff without really thinking, ‘What am I saying?’ Or more importantly, ‘Who is this person I’m talking to?’ ”
Practise when the stakes are low, on people you have no intention of asking out: find a point of interest; be interested; let them shine. Think of this practice as reskilling: coming back to the process of human interaction that our species has spent millennia perfecting. When you’re doing it for real, trust in evolution. Put to the back of your mind the actual date-invitation moment. “If there’s a connection, that moment will come.”
If all this seems impossibly overwhelming, welcome to real life: no rehearsal time; no crafting witty responses; no crowdsourcing your next move. But also, no online misrepresentation, frustration or weirdness. “Real life makes it much harder to deceive or be deceived.” No angst, no second-guessing and very little time-wasting. “Embrace that freedom.”
Finally, it’s OK to freak out. Standing face-to-face with someone you fancy is much, much harder than swiping right. “We’ve got to practise our resilience, and occasionally put ourself into scary situations,” concludes Enfield. “It is high-stakes – and so it should be.”
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Disclaimer : This story is auto aggregated by a computer programme and has not been created or edited by DOWNTHENEWS. Publisher: www.smh.com.au
