Why do men send these pics to women? Let me tell you, it’s not attractive

Dick pics are the absolute worst. They usually arise, unbidden, in Facebook Messenger, Snapchat or even occasionally on LinkedIn. LinkedIn! Meant to be the professional social network. Trust me when I say, your penis is not a professional attribute unless you are a sex worker.

And sure, they get sent by men you know and often by those you don’t. Let me tell you, it’s rarely a good advertisement. If you fancy someone, may I recommend using your words to express your interest or devotion instead of cyberflashing. Otherwise, sure, send that photo of your genitals to someone who will absolutely loathe you for it.

Anastasia Powell, a professor of criminology at RMIT, has researched image-based abuse for years. She is convinced of one thing: “Dick pics are often used as tools of intimidation and humiliation.”

They aren’t a love language, despite what men might pretend to think. Turns out a huge number of heterosexual men – 48 per cent – send unsolicited dick pics, says Nicola Henry, professor of global studies at RMIT University, whose expertise is in image-based abuse.

I do not understand the psychology here. Do men think their penises are what makes them attractive? Let me explain what makes you attractive. It’s at least a metre above your genitals.

Why am I thinking about dick pics now? The never-ending story of Luke Sayers and his estranged wife Cate Sayers.

Sayers was forced to resign from his gig as president of the failing Carlton Football Club because someone, maybe him, maybe someone else, published a photo of a flaccid penis, allegedly his, on his social media account, formerly known as Twitter. The penis post also tagged a senior executive at health fund Bupa, which sponsors the failing football club.

I may have some sympathy for tagee, depending on the circumstance. It was deleted pretty quickly amid claims the account had been hacked. Now Sayers C is suing Sayers L for defamation because of claims he made in his submission to an investigation into his behaviour. She says he implied she was responsible for the dick pic and she also alleges he made damaging claims about her mental health.

Thing is, women usually hate dick pics. Some, obviously, have something cute, saucy, pictorial and, ah, consensual going on with their partners. But the rest of us? No way. The most recent research, published in Spain last year, reveals a huge majority (about three-quarters) of women participating in the research were on the receiving end of unsolicited images. They didn’t ask for them, they don’t want them. It’s a hugely prevalent form of sexual harassment.

And here’s the scariest part of the findings. Just under half were sent by strangers, but one in five was sent by men the women know. High degree of ick. In 2024 Australian research with women aged 18 to 30 showed over 80 per cent were victims of a dick pic. Nearly 100 per cent of them never complained. Didn’t know how to – or even if it was important enough to complain about. My god, I’d love to fine every bloke sending unsolicited images like these. What might put them off? Five hundred bucks a pop?

Now how did women respond to these images? Blocking, telling friends, expressing rejection, and ignoring. Perfect. Shame they can’t tattoo the letter D on every offender’s forehead.

As I recounted this whole sorry Sayers affair to Australia’s expert on the topic, Murray Lee, professor of criminology at the University of Sydney, he shared the funniest story. He’s spent years researching sexting and its normalisation and he explains that those shared images operate differently for different relationships and different sexualities. He says gay men share them happily and consensually.

“For the most part, women receive lots of them and often there is a sense that women will like receiving them,” Lee says. Um. Surprise! Often not true, folks!

And then he shares the story of women who get these dick pics and put together a little collection to share with mates.

“They have a bit of a laugh with friends,” he says. And that’s what men fear, said Margaret Atwood, sainted author of The Handmaid’s Tale. Men fear women will laugh at them, women fear men will kill them.

I’ll tell you who doesn’t have a bit of a laugh – it’s the girls in Years 7 and 8 who regularly receive them and where schools do absolutely nothing to stop it happening. That’s right. It’s happening to young girls without their consent. I meant, how are we allowing this to happen? How are schools knowing this and not acting instantly? And worse, it’s allowing to girls to be victims of what’s described as the “porn push” – an attempt to get a nude image in return.

Men and boys, do you have nothing better to do with your time? Also, let me give you some advice. Ask before hitting send. I’d never think about sharing a vulva video without asking the recipient if he’d be keen. Mmm, maybe rephrase that. I’d never think about sharing a vulva video because that’s the least interesting thing about me. I sincerely hope your penis is the least interesting thing about you.