Whether you’ve been with your partner for five weeks or 50 years, reigniting that spark is easier than you think. Married at First Sight love guru Paul Brunson reveals how
Valentine’s Day is a good reminder to stop and think about your loved one. And this is the case whether you’re a new couple or in a long term relationship. “Whatever we’re allocating our time to, that’s what will flourish,” says MAFS love guru Paul Brunson. “In a very challenging world, one of the most important things we can spend time on is our partner – and today of all days is a great time to begin.”
It’s never too late, Paul promises, if both of you want the relationship to work. As long as there is interest, there is love. This is the key. “You can always reignite your spark and there are many ways to do it,” says Paul, who has recently been announced as an ambassador for Specsavers hearing tests and devices. “You want to attach to your partner, but before you attach, you have to attune to your partner. And before you attune, you have to atone with them. You have to be willing to forgive what has happened in the past and the shortcomings that they have.
“Once you get to a place where you can give your partner grace, you can begin to work out how to align with them. Then, you can attach to them.” The most common mistakes I see on MAFS come down to poor communication, this is the number one issue. It could mean you don’t know how to resolve conflict. Or that you don’t have a tone or cadence that you use, which your partner can receive.
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“Disrespect too is a love killer – when one partner shows another partner disrespect or contempt, there’s a 99% likelihood that the couple will break up at a certain point.” Here Paul shares how to reignite the spark whether you’ve been together five weeks or 50 years.
Listen to each other
“It’s important to listen, and not just hear,” says Paul. “Words come out of our mouths, but listening is not only hearing those words but being able to think about them and ask a question about them. Most of the couples I work with don’t listen to each other. And new research from Specsavers reveals that many couples can’t even hear each other – which is a more fundamental issue. There are over 18 million people in this country with hearing loss. Getting a hearing check is one of the best things you can do for your relationship – it’s free!
“It’s incredibly important to hear your partner, because if you’re not, there’s a disconnect. And that disconnection will lead to low satisfaction, frustration – even breaking up. And if you’re not hearing, you do things to cover it up. Did you know that on average couples are spending on average £766 a year on flowers, vacations, fancy dinners, thinking that those things will create stronger connections, when actually your partner just wants to be heard. They want to be seen, they want to feel safe.”
Daily check-ins
Paul says: “Some partners give each other ratings of how they’re feeling each day, others have a question they ask, others do a deep breathing exercise together. It can be anything. But the point is to have a dedicated time when you’re showing your partner that they mean a lot to you. You’re saying, I see you.”
Plan things in the future…
“…things that both of you are excited about,” says Paul. “We live in such a challenging time. There’s a myriad of stress that we have, the world is changing quickly. It’s tough, very tough. And that’s why it’s important to be able to look forward to something together. A light at the end of the tunnel.
“You and your partner can come together and think in six months we’re both going to Tenerife together. You begin planning it, thinking about the activities you want to do. Each week and each day that you’re thinking about it, what you’re actually doing is enjoying a bit of joy. You’re decreasing the cortisol levels as you’re thinking about it.”
Don’t put too much pressure on it
“When you put extreme pressure on something you set yourself up for failure. You may not progress as fast as you think you should,” advises Paul. “Don’t put pressure on what the outcome might be – but take baby steps and enjoy the journey.”
Radical honesty
“In the UK, people are very polite. We don’t say the thing we truly believe because we think it will hurt our partner’s feelings. Say the thing,” Paul says. “If you don’t feel the spark, what does that mean? Do you not feel attracted to your partner. If that is the case, I guarantee that most people aren’t saying that to them. The bravest thing you can do is to identify why you don’t believe you’re attracted to your partner and tell them.
“Until you disclose that, and both start to work on that thing, you’ll cover it up and never work on what the issue actually is. Your partner might have a hairy back… say it! It’s an easy thing to solve. Your partner will be more than willing to shave it if it might end in something he’ll enjoy.”
Do something silly and spontaneous
Paul says: “The ingredients to desire are trust, safety and spontaneity. So if you’re doing something novel, new and fresh, you’re going to create desire. Often couples who have been together a long time see spontaneity decrease. I was talking to my wife last night about this, as we get older we have to manage so much more stress. Parents getting older, responsibility with the kids.
“But we have to prioritise each other in order to help mitigate or reduce that stress. And one of the ways is to find these moments of joy. It’s like you’re in a war, in a bunker, and you turn to your mate and still share a laugh. Thats what we have to be able to do. It’s time to dance around the kitchen and be playful”
Listen to ‘your song’
“Music jogs good memories. And the same can be said of pictures and locations too, they can help you to reminisce,” says Paul. “The key is in talking about the feeling that you’re going back to. With relationships the big issue we have is we’re not emotive enough – we’re not talking about how we feel and how we felt.
“You need to have emotive language in order to emotionally connect. And unless you have emotional intimacy you can’t have a deep love. So put ‘your song’ on and reminisce – where did you first hear it? Did you play it at your wedding? What did it mean to you? What does it mean to you now? Music can bring back feelings of euphoria and joy.”
Share a kiss
“A good old fashioned snog is great, but build up to it. Your partner could be thinking about your hairy back,” laughs Paul. “Many partners don’t feel safe with their partners, physically or emotionally. And if you feel unsafe, and there’s a kiss, it’ll do nothing for you. So the first step is to ask yourself, do I feel safe with my partner? If the answer is yes, proceed with the kiss. If the answer is no, ask yourself why, name the thing and then start working on whatever it is.”
Intimacy doesn’t have to mean sex
“We think sex is penetrative intercourse, but you can be intimate by rubbing your partner’s arm. That’s an act of physical intimacy,” says Paul. “Intimacy has different components to it, but it begins with emotional intimacy. There are studies around casual sex vs sex with committed partners. Which one do you think gives you the highest satisfaction? It’s the latter – it’s with a committed partner. And that is because our brain is our biggest sex organ. The fact that you know you are safe with that person allows you to feel higher levels of joy, it allows you to want to experiment more, it allows you not to feel ashamed or judged and to be more vulnerable.”
Scroll together
“The phone is not killing the spark, but not interacting is,” says Paul. “I’m not mad if you two are scrolling separate phones but showing each other videos, laughing together and interacting. That’s the key. It goes back to communication and working out how to communicate more. There have been plenty of times when my wife and I have laid in the bed and scrolled TikTok together and laughed and joked about it. I believe that is an incredibly healthy thing to do.”
One new thing a month
“A great challenge is to try to do something new with your partner once a month,” says Paul. “That will change your relationship. It doesn’t have to be massive. It could be reading a book together because you’ve never done it. It could be, there’s a park we’ve never been to two miles away, let’s go have a walk round it. The point is that you’re doing it – and spending time together. You could make it a surprise for your partner too, for added excitement. If your partner likes surprises, that is.”
*Celebrity relationship expert Paul Brunson has teamed up with Specsavers to cheekily unveil an unconventional ‘intimacy device’ ahead of Valentine’s Day. It may come as a surprise to learn that the device is a Specsavers hearing aid, which Paul – co‑host of Married at First Sight – has endorsed for its potential to remedy fundamental relationship issues. New research by Specsavers reveals that British couples believe feeling listened to and truly heard is the most important way to stay connected, more so than gifts or getaways. Mishearing can cause frustration and disconnection, yet addressing hearing can help couples reconnect. The campaign aims to break down the stigma of hearing loss and hearing aids. To book in for a free hearing check and find out more information about the campaign see HERE.
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Disclaimer : This story is auto aggregated by a computer programme and has not been created or edited by DOWNTHENEWS. Publisher: mirror.co.uk
