Like most people, you probably want a partner who treats you well. Yet it might also be true that the moment someone starts texting less, cancels plans or acts mysteriously distant, your interest spikes. Suddenly, they’re the person you can’t stop thinking about (or spiralling over), even if before all this, you barely cared about them.
As counterintuitive as it sounds, this pull isn’t just a matter of having questionable taste or being attracted to emotionally unavailable assholes. Of course, there’s something to be said about our modern dating landscape that rewards ambiguity, mixed signals and nonchalance as “hard to get” and therefore more desirable. However, “liking someone who doesn’t like us back is such a common experience that doesn’t need to be pathologised,” says Angela Sitka, a psychotherapist based in Santa Rosa, California. The reality is simply that “we’re human beings who feel interest toward many people, and a good chunk of them won’t have equal interest in us.”
That said, if you do notice a pattern of feeling exclusively drawn to partners who are distant, inconsistent or clearly closed off, it’s worth taking a closer look. Here are a few psychological reasons that explain your feeling of ‘Why do I only like people who don’t like me back?’.
1. Anxious attachment
One of the most common explanations is an anxious attachment style, which Sitka says describes people who are extra sensitive to perceived signs of rejection—a delayed text, cancelled plan or subtle shift in tone.
If you grew up with absent or distant parents, you may have learned early on that love and attention aren’t guaranteed, which can keep your nervous system on high alert for closeness but also abandonment. This mindset can show up in romantic situations too: “The anxiety and uncertainty can intensify attraction and feel like a ‘spark,’” Sitka says. “And in order to relieve that anxiety, we feel the need to pursue this individual more. We might even romanticise this unease.” While that tension might resemble chemistry or passion, Sitka emphasises that it’s more likely the case that your brain is confusing the stress of not knowing with attraction.
2. Commitment issues
For others, the pull toward unavailable people can be tied to a discomfort with emotional closeness, according to Morgan Hancock, a licensed therapist based in Los Gatos, California. Vulnerability, intimacy and the general risk of being seen (and potentially hurt) can feel overwhelming, which is why their pullback can make your relationship feel safe again—and more appealing too. In those cases, “it can feel like a relief when they hold back, because we’re reestablishing a sense of control that helps us maintain the distance,” says Hancock. So when the pressure to open up or commit fades, the dynamic can feel lower-stakes and, paradoxically, more exciting.
3. The allure of being “unreachable”
On a psychological level, we tend to see things (or people) as more valuable when they seem scarce and out of reach, research shows. With dating, “there may be an element of striving for their attention,” Sitka explains, as if finally receiving a text or crumb of attention makes us “special” or means we’ve “won.”
4. The fantasy of their potential
Others might experience what Sitka calls “symbolic idealisation”: “This person represents ideals, qualities or characteristics that are important to us.” Maybe they tick certain boxes on paper (a great career, perfect family background, shared values), or they embody a future you hope for yourself…even if their current behaviours are lukewarm, dismissive or the bare minimum. In these cases, you’re responding less to who they really are and more to the version of them you’re imagining, which can “cloud your ability to objectively assess their qualities—and the nature of your present relationship,” she adds.
5. Intermittent reinforcement
When a person shows just enough affection—they seem into you but then go cold or quiet—they’re practising what psychologists call intermittent reinforcement, a pattern where rewards are given inconsistently and sporadically. In this situation, that “reward” is their attention.
Disclaimer : This story is auto aggregated by a computer programme and has not been created or edited by DOWNTHENEWS. Publisher: vogue.in
