Alan Cumming has shared the real-life heartbreak he was experiencing when he auditioned for the role of Boris Grishenko in the James Bond film GoldenEye
As actor Alan Cumming takes centre stage tonight as host of the BAFTA Film Awards, it’s hard to imagine that one of the most charismatic figures in British and American entertainment once arrived at a career-defining audition feeling suicidal.
The 61-year-old Scottish star, known for his wit, theatrical flair, and scene-stealing performances, revealed that on the very day he auditioned for the James Bond film GoldenEye, he was at one of the lowest points of his life.
Speaking on CBS Mornings while promoting his memoir Baggage: Tales from a Fully Packed Life, Cumming admitted he felt “really, really, really low” as he prepared to try out for the role that would introduce him to a global audience. “It was one of the worst days of my life actually,” he said.
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“I felt really, really, really low. I just now think, ‘Oh you poor little thing, you could’ve said I am feeling suicidal today.'”
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The confession casts a stark contrast to the flamboyant villain he would go on to play – the eccentric Russian computer programmer Boris Grishenko in the 1995 Bond blockbuster GoldenEye.
At the time of the audition, Cumming was navigating a painful divorce from his first wife, actress Hilary Lyon. The pair had married in 1985 and separated in the early 1990s, with their divorce finalised before his breakthrough in Hollywood.
Professionally, he was a respected theatre actor in the UK, having won an Olivier Award for Accidental Death of an Anarchist. But emotionally, he has admitted he was struggling deeply.
Looking back while writing Baggage, he said the experience forced him to recognise just how dark his thoughts had been. “That’s something I realised when I was writing – like, ‘Oh my God, Hollywood saved me,'” he explained.
Landing GoldenEye proved transformative. The film, starring Pierce Brosnan as James Bond, was a massive global success and relaunched the Bond franchise for a new generation. Cumming’s portrayal of the gleefully chaotic Boris – complete with bleached hair and maniacal laugh – made him instantly recognisable and opened doors in the United States.
The role marked the beginning of a prolific international career that would span Broadway, Hollywood blockbusters and acclaimed television.
Following GoldenEye, Cumming built an extraordinary resume. He won a Tony Award in 1998 for his role as the Emcee in the Broadway revival of Cabaret, cementing his status as a major stage talent. On screen, he appeared in films including Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion, Spy Kids, and later gained widespread television acclaim for his performance as Eli Gold in the hit series The Good Wife.
More recently, he has found a new generation of fans as the mischievous host of The Traitors US. Yet beneath the glittering success, Cumming has always been candid about his mental health struggles and the trauma that shaped him.
In his 2014 memoir, Not My Father’s Son, he detailed the physical and emotional abuse he endured as a child at the hands of his father. The book was widely praised for its raw honesty and coincided with his appearance on the genealogy series Who Do You Think You Are?, where he confronted long-buried family secrets.
In Baggage, he revisits those formative experiences, explaining how unresolved trauma resurfaced in adulthood.
“When I was 28, I suddenly remembered all this stuff from my childhood,” he said. “It’s still with me, I still get triggered by things. And we all have baggage, we all have trauma.”
Cumming has developed his own coping mechanism for life’s setbacks – a mantra he calls “cancel, continue”.
“When something bad happens I think, ‘Okay, that happened, we can’t change that, let’s move on,'” he explained.
But his reflections on the GoldenEye audition reveal that resilience didn’t come easily. At the time, he was a 30-year-old actor facing heartbreak, uncertainty and unresolved childhood pain. The Hollywood opportunity arrived as a lifeline.
Cumming’s life today looks very different from the turmoil of the early 1990s. In 2012, he married illustrator Grant Shaffer in New York after coming out as bisexual in 1998.
He has often spoken about how meeting Shaffer brought stability and joy into his life after years of personal upheaval.
Now based between New York and Scotland, Cumming is a respected actor, author, nightclub owner and activist. He was appointed an OBE in 2009 for services to film, theatre and the arts.
For emotional support you can call the Samaritans 24-hour helpline on 116 123, email jo@samaritans.org** , visit a Samaritans branch in person or go to the Samaritans website.
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