‘You’ve lost weight’: What to say instead next time you greet a friend

Imagine David Attenborough’s voice as I expound on behaviour unique to women today.

The modern females of the species are hard-wired to nurture, and never is this more evident than when they greet each other after an absence. You will note the female’s voice will rise in octaves; their arms will open to embrace, and they may even coo in delight. What will ensue is a verbal comment, usually flattering in nature:“You look so thin!” “You look so young!”

These are common greetings, encouraging females to feel welcome and safe in each other’s presence. It is a peculiar trait that has evolved from the rudimentary parlance of the species, words such as “hello”, “greetings” and “welcome”. The message seems not to focus on the health or happiness of the rival female, but rather is a compliment based purely on appearance.

You don’t have to be a legendary natural historian to witness this display from women every day, or to instinctively perform it. I see it constantly and muster all my powers to make sure I don’t follow suit in my own behaviour.

I also note that it is exclusive to my sex. Because it appears we women have it ingrained in us that looks are key to self-esteem; the smoother, thinner, younger and more glowing the better. And so, to make another feel admired, we succumb to the superficial. You look good thus, in my eyes, you are good.

I would catch up with people I hadn’t seen for a while only to be told, “You’ve lost weight!” as if it were akin to winning Lotto.

WENDY SQUIRES

Now, there is nothing wrong with complimenting a friend, nor the urge to make them feel appreciated and valued. But we ladies need to keep a grip on how we go about it because, instead of making a woman feel good, our surface appraisals can do the opposite.

I first noticed this years ago. I would catch up with people I hadn’t seen for a while only to be told, “You’ve lost weight!” as if it were akin to winning Lotto. I hadn’t lost weight, and I don’t believe my friends really thought I had. They were just trying to make me feel good about myself, perhaps also projecting what they’d like to hear about themselves in response. Losing weight, in their eyes, is a feat to be applauded, a visible and commendable marker of the passing of time.

But constantly having my body shape pointed out as something that’s changed for the better only makes me question whether I should be content with being a healthy size, which I generally am. Maybe my friends are delivering a subliminal message that I’d be more attractive if I lost a few kilos. Maybe I am not sufficient in their eyes.

I may sound overly sensitive, and maybe I am. But I have witnessed a friend who is severely self-conscious about her shape dealing with the “You’ve lost weight” greeting, shrinking into herself with shame in response. With all the wonderful qualities my friend has in abundance, homing in on her weight is as unnecessary as it is cruel. We can do better.

Which brings me to the latest “compliment” I experience: “Oh my god, you look so young!” Again, I know it has good intentions, but it also kinda doesn’t.

Now, I am not young. I am heading into the latter decades of my life, and I am grateful to have made it thus far. I have lived, and my face shows it. I have wrinkles, laugh lines, age spots, sagging jowls and hooded eyes. And so I should!

Today, I see beauties in their 20s frozen into an indiscernible age (but definitely older), through Botox and fillers. Should I greet such women with “You look so much older!” as if it were their aim. Commenting on appearance is so fraught, how about we just forget it? “Lovely to see you” works well.

To have a smooth, flawless visage atop a sagging neck is as ridiculous as it is abnormal at my age. Yes, I am still vain to an extent, and I look after myself. But my goal isn’t to look young again, it’s to look as good as I can at the age I am. I know that to be happy on the inside, I need to be authentic on the outside.

Whatever anyone does to their body is fine by me. Life is hard, societal pressure is high, and the norm now is to stymie signs of age before they even appear. But let’s stop judging a “young” visage on an ageing woman as a compliment when the price paid is too often at the expense of self.

Get the best of Sunday Life magazine delivered to your inbox every Sunday morning. Sign up here for our free newsletter.