The money habits that could secretly break your relationship

I’m no relationship expert, but I have had many clients strengthen their relationships through their work with me. Today, I’m sharing some tips that can create greater financial harmony at home.

Do you want to be “right” or “connected”? Your attachment to how “right” you are, and your need to convince the other person of your rightness (or prove their wrongness), is not just hurting your relationship – it could break it.

But you are right – that your partner is wasting money on X, or they should be investing instead of saving, or they need an investment plan instead of just randomly buying the latest investment hype of the day. You have all the evidence to prove your rightness too. If only they could see that you’re trying to help, it would improve both of your lives.

The thing is, this isn’t an effective strategy for motivating behaviour change. Healthy and lasting behaviour change isn’t inspired by being shamed for doing it wrong.

Plus, even if your partner did change because you exerted enough pressure – what is the emotional impact? Resentment? Defeatedness? None of those foster emotional safety, which is the key to creating a healthy, happy relationship.

Here’s the good news: if you choose emotional safety, it might feel like “giving up” in the short term, but in the long term you might finally start to find a way to move forward together.

You are both unique individuals with unique preferences. You are never going to fully agree on what you consider a ‘good’ use of money.

Have separate “play” money. A lot of the fights about spending can be eliminated pretty quickly by making sure each person has some allocation of personal spending money that they can spend freely.

You do not want to be bickering over whether that dress was too expensive, whether they really need yet another plant, why they spend so much on coffees and so on.

The truth is that you are both unique individuals with unique preferences. You are never going to achieve perfect alignment on what you consider to be a “good” use of money.

You might think clothes are worth investing in; they might think plants are worth investing in. That’s part of your unique personality – and you want space for both your personalities to exist freely, financially.

When each person has their own spending money, that becomes theirs to manage. Whether you can afford that dress, new phone or road trip with friends becomes something you have both the freedom and responsibility to fund with your own personal “play” money.

Stop seeing your differences as a bad thing. You can see your differences as a bad thing. Or you can choose to see your differences as something that they contribute to your life, in a way you wouldn’t have contributed yourself.

Maybe they’re more relaxed about spending money than you and this irks you – but if you let it, could it help you relax a little too?

Maybe they have more interest in investing than you and this bores you – but if you let it, could it inspire you to care more about your financial future? If your partner’s financial differences had a silver lining, what would it be?

There are some differences you will never reconcile because you didn’t marry yourself; you married a different person. No matter how similar you are in your views and beliefs, there will be points of difference. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing – perhaps that’s the whole point.

Start appreciating what they’re getting right. Whatever their failings are, they are probably aware of them, and disappointed with themselves too. They most likely want to be less behind on the financial admin, better at saving, more successful at investing, further ahead financially – whatever your gripe is, they probably already know.

You telling them isn’t just rubbing salt in the wound – it’s exacerbating their own inner critic. Incidentally, this might be making the behaviour worse. The more you tell them they are spending money wastefully, the more that identity gets reinforced.

I know you think you’re helping because how will they ever improve if you don’t point out what they’re doing wrong? But if that strategy was going to work, it would have worked by now.

So, let’s try something new. For the next 30 days, try positive reinforcement instead. Stop highlighting what they’re doing wrong, and at least once a day, find something they are doing well, and appreciate it.

Do they cook meals, so you don’t have to eat out? Do they hold down a job, and contribute to the household expenses? Do they stay out of credit card debt?

My guess is that within seven days, you’ll feel a real shift in the dynamics at home. They might be cynical at first, if they’re not used to it. But slowly, their defences will lower. By day 30, don’t be surprised if it feels like you have a totally different relationship.

Paridhi Jain is a money and mindset coach who combines practical strategies with mindset transformation to help clients create more freedom and fulfilment in wealth, work and life. Find Paridhi at: skilledsmart.com.au

• Advice given in this article is general in nature and is not intended to influence readers’ decisions about investing or financial products. They should always seek their own professional advice that takes into account their own personal circumstances before making any financial decisions.

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