The three red flags that tell you a friendship isn’t worth saving

Most friendships need more than just chemistry to survive. The strong ones rely on often small-but-meaningful acts of maintenance: replying during a brutal workweek, remembering to follow up after a big doctor’s appointment, making the drive across town even when staying home would be easier.

With the right people, those gestures rarely feel like “work”. Other times, your efforts may no longer seem like reasonable upkeep; in some cases, it can feel like the dynamic demands more energy than it’s worth.

“Friendships are built,” says Suzanne Degges-White, chair of the department of counselling and higher education at Northern Illinois University College of Education and author of Toxic Friendships: Knowing the Rules and Dealing with the Friends Who Break Them. “They are voluntary, the relationships of choice.”

Which means that, yes, they require upkeep but also that you aren’t required to continue dumping your mental and emotional resources into a friendship that has become more draining than fulfilling.

Some imbalance is inevitable in long-term bonds, says psychologist and couples therapist Patrice Le Goy. People move, burn out, get married, have kids, switch jobs, and go through changes and phases where they simply have less capacity at 54 than, say, at 24.

Even then, you don’t need to accept chronic one-sidedness or emotional exhaustion as the inevitable price of staying close. Here are a few signs it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.

You can’t be yourself without worrying about losing the friendship

“If no one else in this world, we need to be authentic with our friends,” says Degges-White. That doesn’t necessarily mean unloading your deepest, most vulnerable secrets onto every acquaintance – but it does, at the very least, mean you shouldn’t feel pressured to change yourself just to get along.

Pay attention to how you act around this person. Maybe you stop sharing good news because you’ve come to expect a subtly competitive reaction instead of genuine excitement. Or you soften your opinions, downplay your accomplishments or spend hangouts pretending to be more agreeable, successful or low-maintenance in hopes of securing their approval (or avoiding their judgment).

At that point, you’re missing out on what should be the bare minimum of a healthy friendship: feeling understood and accepted for who you are.

You organise and initiate every interaction

People tend to judge the strength of friendships by frequency – how often you text, how regularly you see each other. When really, what matters more than consistent contact is consistent care.

According to clinical psychologist Christie Ferrari, “a busy friend is still going to make you feel like you matter”. Even if they aren’t available at a moment’s notice, most people – no matter how overwhelmed – still put some effort into the people they value. Some will send long voice notes during their morning commute if they don’t have the bandwidth for in-person dinners. Others might text to say they’re swamped but still thinking of you.

What’s more concerning is when the relationship’s survival seems to depend on your work alone. “It’s more about the pattern of it versus it being a one-off or two,” says Le Goy.

So rather than fixating on one disappointing week, think about the past few months or years as a whole. Who initiates plans? Who follows up? Who remembers birthdays, checks in after important moments and keeps the conversation going? In other words, if you stopped reaching out altogether, would there even be a friendship left?

You can’t work through problems together

It sounds obvious, but people who care about keeping a friendship will act like it. When tension comes up, they’ll do something – apologise, sit through an uncomfortable conversation, change whatever behaviour hurt you – in order to move forward.

On the flip side, dismissing, avoiding or giving up at the first sign of friction can be revealing. “It means they’re not as invested in maintaining the relationship as you are,” Degges-White explains.

Bring up a backhanded comment that stung, for instance, and a low-effort friend “may blame other people or blame you for being worried about something that’s not what they consider a ‘real concern,’” she says. Ask for a bit more consistency and reassurance, and “they might try to find reasons why they’re not showing up the way they should.” Such as having a busy job or having kids.

Over time, patterns like these subtly show how willing someone is to fight for the relationship.

What to do if a friendship is no longer serving you

Unlike romantic breakups, most platonic ones don’t end with a dramatic confrontation or clearly defined “talk”. Sociological research actually suggests friendships often dissolve through a gradual fade: less contact, fewer expectations – which experts agree is an appropriate approach for newer, more casual or already one-sided relationships.

In practice, that means not giving 90 per cent to a person who only gives 10. Don’t repeatedly rearrange your schedule for a serial flaker. Keep things cordial without automatically sharing the most vulnerable details of your life to a fair-weather friend who seems disinterested or distracted in what you’re saying. “If the relationship fizzles out naturally, that may be an indication that you both feel the same way,” says Le Goy. “That the friendship has run its course.”

Still, some situations do warrant a conversation, particularly when you’re dealing with a longtime confidant or someone who’s still trying to maintain a level of closeness you can no longer reciprocate.

Rather than laying out every grievance or incompatibility, Degges-White suggests focusing on communicating the broader reality of your situation. “So you can kind of say, ‘I’m going through some big changes in my life right now, and so I’m not sure I’m able to be the friend that I was before or the friend I should be to you,’” she suggests. Ultimately, try not to make it about them, she adds. “Make it about what’s going on in your life and how things are going to change.”

Difficult as it may be to accept, “not every friendship is meant to last forever,” says Ferrari, noting that getting older often involves outgrowing certain dynamics, expectations and even people. But making peace with that reality can also be liberating, because letting go of relationships that drain you is what creates room for the ones that remind you that closeness shouldn’t be this exhausting in the first place.

Washington Post

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