When it comes to matters of the heart, sometimes the biggest problems have the simplest solutions. Today, singles and couples alike are plagued by the same issue: a lack of effort.
Despite plenty of contemporary celebrities to take inspiration from – Travis Kelce shooting his shot with Taylor Swift on his podcast, Tom Holland telling a group of children that taking Zendaya on dates is “his favourite thing to do” – but in the real world, people are in the trenches, reporting an extinction of exertion.
The pursuit of ‘chalance’
In dating, the issue has manifested as the romanticisation of “chalance” which translates to being open and honest about your feelings for someone, and taking actions that reflect those feelings. This effort includes simple things, like taking the initiative to plan dates.
According to a 2025 report from Match group-owned dating app Hinge, in a survey of 6000 of their global users, 72 per cent of women said they would rather a partner who put effort into building a meaningful relationship than one who had a higher income than them, while 84 per cent of women said a well-planned date is more impressive than a pricey one.
“Many humans are burnt out from seeking connection, being vulnerable, and then getting rejected; fear plays a role,” says clinical psychologist and relationship coach Phoebe Rogers. “Whilst there appear to be gendered patterns, some men also are actively putting in effort, however, past fears of their date can be unfairly projected onto them.”
On social media, there are countless videos of people – usually women who date men – bemoaning disastrous first dates, disillusionment with dating as a whole and their exasperation with the fact that things don’t seem to be getting better.
Locally, there’s a recurring complaint that Australian men are uniquely bad at putting in effort when dating, a problem made more stark when people travel overseas.
“It’s a very noticeable difference between the way men are in Australia to other parts of the world,” influencer Cassidy McGill says in a recent TikTok. “Australian men are becoming more and more nonchalant, too cool for school. They are simply not approaching women, it is literally a f—ing epidemic.
“The way women don’t get approached in Australia is f—ed, and it’s not just women in Australia who are talking about it. Women from all parts of the world who come to Australia have the same experience.”
It’s an issue Dr Lisa Portolan has seen play out in her research, which showed how certain social codes impact the pursuit of love. “The cultural ideal of the laid-back Australian bloke, the mate who doesn’t take himself too seriously and doesn’t make a fuss, can clash with romantic intimacy,” says Portolan, an academic and author of Love, Intimacy and Online Dating.
“Romance requires intention, vulnerability and emotional directness. Being laid-back isn’t the same as being emotionally available.”
‘Effort-gap relationships’
And the problem isn’t exclusive to singles. In couples, people can become complacent, resulting in what some refer to as an “effort-gap relationship”, which describes a pairing where one partner consistently puts in the work to show their significant other they care for them, while the other does not match the effort.
“A lot of the women I work with have not experienced clear, consistent communication and effort from a partner,” says Rogers, who notes the dynamic can be tricky to manage due to competing factors.
Women are becoming more aware of the emotional and mental load they carry in the relationship, which in turn, can create a sense of fear in men that they’ll be unable to live up to expectations. “If there’s fear, why would there be effort? Effort feels risky – to go all in, if you’ll only get hurt.”
Research has consistently shown that effort is correlated with relationship satisfaction and stability. In one 2014 study, 8006 people, in four different types of couples were surveyed: living together but not married; married for the first time; divorced and living with a new partner; and married for the second time. They found that across the spectrum, couples who consistently work at their relationship are happier and more secure.
The work of American psychologist John Gottman, who has been studying marital stability for more than 50 years, says the same thing: it’s the small words, gestures and acts that go the furthest in creating healthy relationships.
“A lot of people take their romantic relationship for granted after a certain period of time, they just expect their partner will be there,” says Tanya Koens, a sex and relationship therapist.
“But you have to invest in that and in the intimate side of your relationship as well.”
Small acts with big impacts
It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the idea that effort is over-the-top romantic gestures, when the solution can be as simple as giving someone a compliment, Koens says.
“I ask people to say one nice thing to each other every day, and you can’t say the same thing twice,” she explains, which can be as small as thanking your partner for walking the dog, putting the laundry away, or maybe saying something nice about their appearance that day.
“It’s about creating this softness between people and a desire to turn towards each other rather than away when we’re frustrated.”
To foster further intimacy, Koens says to find new ways to connect without getting too serious. “Sometimes people get scared when there’s a new item brought up, but how can you suggest doing something in a way that is a little bit playful? Because you really need playfulness for eroticism as well,” she says.
For singles, Rogers says it can be easy things such as booking ahead, asking if they have any dietary requirements and making sure to be attentive when you’re with them.
“Bring a general consistency to your communication if you want to move the relationship forward, it doesn’t have to be huge.”
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Disclaimer : This story is auto aggregated by a computer programme and has not been created or edited by DOWNTHENEWS. Publisher: www.smh.com.au
