Is the ‘tri-load’ to blame for your relationship stress? A new study has some answers

It’s been over four decades since French sociologist Monique Haicault coined the term “mental load” to describe the dual burden women shoulder when managing their careers and domestic responsibilities. In that time, women have become more educated and make up a greater percentage of the workforce.

Despite these social changes, research shows women in heterosexual relationships still manage up to 67 per cent more of the household tasks than their male partners, and a new study has found it can have detrimental consequences for relationship quality.

Assessing the ‘tri-load’

For the study, published in Scientific Reports, researchers from the University of Queensland were interested in the “tri-load” of household labour: physical (traditional chores such as washing, cleaning and cooking); cognitive (planning shopping lists, scheduling appointments); and emotional (anticipating, caring, comforting, consoling).

Using data from 235 heterosexual romantic couples, they examined how the division of labour was related to relationship quality.

“While this study is not the first to recognise the importance of these mental loads, it is the first to apply a tri-load division of labour,” explains Dr Sarah Coundouris, lead author of the study and research fellow at University of Queensland School of Psychology.

Across all three types of household labour, women reported taking on more work, but the difference was most significant for the cognitive load, with women taking on almost 25 per cent more of the thinking, planning and scheduling involved in running the home than their partners reported.

“This is a valuable study because it looks well beyond who does the dishes,” says Georgie Dent, chief executive of The Parenthood.

“The idea of the ‘tri-load’ captures the full picture: doing the work, thinking about the work and caring about how everyone is coping. The cognitive load can be particularly relentless because it is often invisible, and it never really switches off.

“The findings echo what parents tell us every day and what the research has shown for decades. Women have moved into paid work in huge numbers, but men have not moved into unpaid work at the same rate. What I find telling is that the biggest gap is in the planning and organising. That work is the hardest to see, so it is the easiest to overlook.”

Differences of opinion matter … a lot

Researchers also looked at how differences in opinions about household contributions were linked to relationship quality.

“By looking at both partners’ perspectives, we were able to examine whether two people in the same relationship may experience and interpret the division of household responsibilities differently, and whether these differences matter for relationship quality,” Coundouris says.

They found that as the gap between how partners perceived their contributions grew, relationship quality worsened. For example, pairs who had different opinions about how physical and emotional household duties were shared reported greater unhappiness in the relationship (with this finding strongest for women).

These conflicts come up regularly for clients of clinical psychologist Narelle Dickinson. “This is something I hear being discussed at least once a day in my room,” Dickinson says.

“Everyone’s under the pump, everyone’s exhausted and when one person feels like they’re doing so much of that load and the other doesn’t see the differences there – oh my goodness – resentment starts to breed pretty fast.”

Interestingly, disparities in the perceived division of cognitive household demands were only linked to poorer relationship quality in men.

While they can only speculate why it wasn’t linked to poorer relationship quality for women, Coundouris has some theories.

“It may be that despite women potentially struggling to meet the cognitive load, their relationship quality may not be affected by these different opinions, as expectations are so deeply rooted in what is socially acceptable: women should be responsible for the cognitive load,” she says.

As for why men were negatively affected? “It could possibly be the result of their partners’ voicing their displeasure and/or due to women experiencing poorer health and wellbeing due to the high cognitive load, and this seeping into other dimensions of the relationship.”

Coundouris hopes that in establishing a connection between the tri-load and relationship quality, the research aids future development of evidence-based guidelines in relationship therapy and enhancing overall health and wellbeing.

How can couples ensure they share the tri-load?

Where the lack of help isn’t a case of weaponised incompetence or abuse, Dickinson says trying to effectively communicate can go a long way.

“It’s about trying to get each other to see that perspective,” she says. “To lean into each other to try share that role a little bit more and figure out how they can communicate better about how they’re feeling, what their energy levels are, what level of load they’re carrying, and see if they can cooperatively come up with some solutions to sharing the load, not necessarily equally, but definitely equitably.”

For families, Dent notes that support also shouldn’t be left to individuals to figure out as policies and workplaces also meaningfully influence how care is shared.

“Australia needs 52 weeks of paid parental leave at a replacement wage, with meaningful time reserved for each parent, so both parents become confident and capable carers from the beginning,” she says.

“Families also need universal access to high-quality early childhood education and care, and workplaces that genuinely accommodate caring responsibilities. Flexible work must be available to both parents. It should help families share care, not simply make it easier for women to carry paid and unpaid work at the same time.”

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