From the bleachy to the bubbly: The ultimate plain-salted crisp taste test

$6.50 for 130g

Very pale. Anaemic. Medium corrugation. POOOOWEEE! Smells like cleaning product! What the funk! Is that why they’re pale? Because they’re soaked in bleach?! OMG they taste like bleach! This is the worst thing I’ve ever eaten in my life. That’s poison! How can you mess up a chip like that? Rancid oil, that’s how. Truly appalling.

Score: -20/10

$5 for 150g

This is a whole-ass hash brown! It’s huge! It looks like that level in Super Mario where everything’s enormous. Or like the film version of Cats where the scale keeps changing and you feel like you’re in a mirror maze. Deep yellowy-brown hue, outrageous corrugation – upwards of 7mm at deepest delta. Bonkers crunch. Overcooked, flavour too intense, too crunchy. Cheap salt. Cool that they’re huge, though.

Score: 3/10

$5.99 for 150g

We have a medium yellow. Much wishchippery. (Wishchip, noun: a chip that has folded over on itself and is considered lucky.) Craaaaap oil and again, a little bleachy. Not weapons-grade bleachy, but still probably too much bleach flavour for mine. Crunchy, not shattery. A real tooth sticker; extensive excavating work to be carried out on second and third molars. Don’t care for you, chip.

Score: 3.5/10

$10.69 for 150g

Thick for a thin crisp. Quite uniform – almost Pringles-like. A bit … fishy? Why? Some sort of oil spoil? Packaged by pilchards? Either way, low salt, decent crunch. But why the fish?

Score: 4/10

$2.20 for 175g

Pale. Moderate corrugation. A little mealy, conservative salting, not much flavour in the oil. The least memorable thing you will eat at the team-bonding session. No complaints, no co-sign. Eh!

Score: 5/10

$5 for 170g

Consistent pale-yellow hue. Mild corrugation. Smith’s? Is it you? And are these chips reconstituted? Wouldn’t have thought so, but they are very uniform. Low crunch, decent shatter. Mealy. Cheap salt. Serviceable, which is all a plain-salted chip needs to be, really. Major muscle groups beginning to cure.

Score: 5/10

$7.99 for 142g

BIG. Pale-ish. Quite thin. Not a big crunch nor shatter. Question for you mystery chip number 15: what do you stand for if not one of the two? Mediocrity? Starch? Not much salt here either, but that does make it appropriate for a gorge. A sessionable, if unremarkable chip.

Score: 5.5/10

$2.69 for 230g

Stronger corrugation, some bubbling, some wishchippery. Deeper hue. Shatters like cheap glass. Judiciously salted. Strong flavour … not necessarily potatoey. Rather, more … savoury? Mouth starting to tingle.

Score: 6/10

$7.50 for 93g

Ok! Appearance is reminding me of one of those beetroot chips that suck. Strong, dark border. Big gulf between darkest and lightest chip. Another thickish thin chip. Too thick for a thin, if you ask me. Big crunch, no shatter. Toooooooo salty. Eats like a beetroot chip! Almost tastes … doughy. Very confusing – don’t hate it but quite an inconsistent batch.

Score: 6.5/10

$6.90 for 150g

Learning that each chip has its own unique fingerprint. This one is telling a tale I can’t quite divine, but it looks like an old soul. Tonnes of microbubbles. Kinda tastes dusty. Oil tastes a bit “la di da”. Decent crunch and relatively low salt. Fancy chip of some description?

Score: 6.5/10

$3 for 175g

Very slight! Pale microbubbling throughout. Oil light but flavourful. Perky salting. Tastes like real potato. Lovely chip – feels at the fancier end of the spectrum. The potatorealism might become fatiguing, but great stuff overall.

Score: 7.5/10

$6 for 100g

Decent bubbling. Quite thin. Quite a nice yellowing. Subtle border, modest size. Kind of unremarkable in precisely the way you want a plain chip to be. Suitable for smashing, suitable for dipping, enough structure without overwhelming the jaw.

Score: 7.5/10

$6.99 for 80g

Seeing some nice ovular shapes in this bag. Elegant skin border. Absolutely delicious – deep, natural potato flavour, oil and salt playing lovely little harmonies. Texture is odd, though – no shatter, heavy going on the teeth. Good wishchippery.

Score: 7.7/10

$6 for 165g

Strong crunch! Decent salting. Pretty thick gauge for a thin chip. Some good bubbling, some textbook wishchippery in there too. Deep yellow hue. Rustic potato flavouring – totally tuberous. Great chip!

Score: 7.8/10

$5 for 175g

Precision corrugation. Mild undulations. That’s a party chip. Kinda trashy but kinda cool. Some acid in there. That’s going on the trestle at the barbecue. Low salt, low oil. Great chip – best of the crinkles so far.

Score: 8/10

$7.50 for 125g

Big, thin, medium-yellow hue. No wishchippery, nice brown border. Good quality salt – hits hard and dies off quickly, revealing a gentle, tasty oil. Nice shatter. Unique flavour – may be off-putting for some: kind of vegetal. Light and cool. Very good; definitely at the saltier end.

Score: 8.2/10

$2.99 for 175g

Bubbliest batch of the bunch. Even, elegant gold hue, dark border from the skin. Great chip – this is the chip you’d run through caviar. Would eat these all day. Ratios are great, textural intrigue from the high bubble count. Delicate but not fragile. Restrained salting. Great potato finish – tastes real.

Score: 8.5/10