‘I Didn’t Want To Live’: Ex-India Player’s Shocking Confession

In a deeply personal interview with The Indian Express, former India leg-spinner Laxman Sivaramakrishnan revealed the harrowing mental health battles he has faced since his teenage years. Hailed as a prodigy who made his Test debut at just 17, Sivaramakrishnan explained that his career and personal life were derailed by early-onset depression and a public image marred by false accusations of drug and alcohol abuse.

“People love to spread bad things. My tours happened between 16 and 19 years. How would people serve me alcohol in a hotel when I was underage? I have never done drugs in my life. I have had a few beers later in my life – I don’t say no to that. But imagine a 19-year-old being called an alcoholic, a drug addict,” he said.

He recounted a particularly painful period when his parents placed a matrimonial advertisement for him; despite his status as an international cricketer and a homeowner, they did not receive a single response.

“It meant people had made my reputation so terrible that nobody wanted to let their daughter marry me,” he revealed.

Laxman’s exit from the Indian team was equally disheartening. Selectors reportedly urged him to cite fitness concerns – than form – as the reason for his omission when speaking to the media, but Sivaramakrishnan chose not to go along with that narrative.

“A day after I returned home from the 1987 World Cup, the Tamil Nadu selectors called me in. They asked me to tell the press I was unfit. I said I won’t. I will not make things easy for you. If you want, you drop me.”

After his playing career ended in 1987, Sivaramakrishnan moved into commentary and became a regular voice in the IPL. However, the COVID-19 lockdown period had a significant impact on his mental well-being.

“I was down completely and I didn’t want to see myself in the mirror. I would have a couple of drinks and go to sleep because I couldn’t bear anything. Whenever I was awake, I thought I was going to die.”

At certain points, he even struggled with thoughts of taking his own life.

“Sometimes when we were travelling in Dubai, there’s no speed limit. If the vehicle went very fast, something in my mind would tell me to just open the door and jump out. Somehow, something stopped me from doing anything silly.”

The pressure on his mind became so intense that he started experiencing hallucinations.

“You close your eyes, you see images you can’t imagine-all very frightening. You open your eyes, there’s nothing. But you’re so tired that you want to sleep. You close your eyes again, then open them, and there goes your sleep.”

“Every time, you manage to tangle yourself tighter and tighter. And you have the whole world outside saying, ‘See, I told you. Liquor is the reason. I told you.”

Now 60, Sivaramakrishnan’s revelations come alongside his recent decision to retire from the BCCI’s commentary panel, where he has leveled further allegations of color-based discrimination. He expressed that for over two decades, he was denied high-profile roles like conducting tosses or presentations, which he attributes to his appearance rather than his expertise.

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