I left my husband on my 30th birthday. It was time to stop repeating the same mistake

Chef and author Steph de Sousa is best known for her time as a contestant on MasterChef Australia. Here, the 53-year-old discusses the important men in her life, including how she left her husband on her 30th birthday, later finding love with her total opposite.

My dad, Darrell, was a reinsman. He trained and raced trotting horses. Each weekend, he would travel all around Tasmania, where I grew up, to race. But because I got motion sickness, I would stay with my paternal grandmother, Vivian, and we would cook. She had about six shelves in the kitchen, filled with home-baked goods such as biscuits and slices. It’s where my love for cooking began.

When I was seven, [the late Queensland politician] Russ Hinze poached Dad to run his stable of horses, so we moved from Tasmania to Queensland. Dad was the most competitive, dedicated, hard-working man I’ve ever met. Everything he did, he gave it his all. If my older sisters, Lisa, Therese and Bernadette, and I didn’t have the strongest work ethic, it was looked down upon.

Mum [Helen] was the complete opposite, as she was more relaxed. Dad was 65 when he died. It’s been about 15 years now since we lost him.

I was always a bit different as a teenager. I had crazy hairstyles. I liked to wear clothes that were dissimilar to everyone else. Singing and performing were my big passions and I had singing lessons.

I was a huge fan of Boy George. At the time I didn’t realise what made me gravitate towards him but, looking back, it was his clothes and how avant-garde he was. That’s probably what made me love him, as I felt like I was probably a bit like that myself.

I left Allan on my 30th birthday. He was quite controlling and, honestly, I don’t know why I married him.

I was 16 and still at an all-girls secondary school and working part-time at a petrol station when I met my first husband, Allan. We were sort of friends, then the next minute we were together and the next minute we were married. I was 21 when we wed.

Allan was offered a job as a food and beverage manager at a resort in Vanuatu. When we moved, I was pregnant with our son, Malli. Our other son, Tannah, was just a baby, and our daughter, Darby, was two. It was an amazing experience for a couple of years.

I left Allan on my 30th birthday. He was quite controlling and, honestly, I don’t know why I married him. I was just young and at that time it was just what you did: got married and had babies. It was expected and you didn’t think it was a possibility not to do that. My sisters ended up divorcing about that same time. Allan died in 2019.

I’ve read that in relationships you tend to gravitate towards the same type of person and make the same mistake over and over. I was determined not to do that and so, going forward, I knew what I didn’t want. I looked at the relationships around me, at what worked and what didn’t. The
ones that were successful were made up of opposites. It was interesting that you could be with someone completely different and be happy.

My husband, Neville, and I are very different. He’s from Goa, India. He also comes from a family of brothers. From the start, he was so incredibly kind, caring and loving towards me, which I had never experienced before.

He didn’t shy away from becoming a stepdad to my three little kids, nor did he try to be their dad. He was a bit like the fun uncle: he’d set up golf courses in the backyard. He was really good with them and that’s how their relationship grew.

Neville and I have a son together, Noah, who is now 17. Noah is quite serious and is always polite. Neville used to be a business analyst and so if the kids want to know anything about finances, they go to him. Neville works with me now, as he manages and builds my websites.

Neville is also a fantastic cook. He does amazing Indian and Asian food. If we have been away, Noah will say, “Can we please have a Dad stir-fry?”

No Stress Recipe Queen (HarperCollins) by Steph de Sousa is out now.

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