I thought about the type of women I admire and came to this surprising realisation

In the lead up to International Women’s Day, I began thinking about inspirational women – a tougher exercise than I imagined. I admire many women – some who are in my life, some whom I will never meet – but I’ve realised something uncomfortable: most women I admire don’t actually inspire me to change.

In my youth, I used to idolise very famous girls, like the female members of the Young Talent Time team, Australia’s youth variety show. I thought about Vanessa, Katie and Danielle as I was doing my maths homework. I wanted to know them. I wanted to be them!

But did they inspire me to do anything? Sadly not. I couldn’t sing or dance, so there was no way for me to follow in their (impressively co-ordinated) footsteps. My admiration for them felt distant and reverential.

In more recent years, I have admired women who are more talented than me in my chosen field. Sure, I can write, but I have friends who have written novels and memoirs that have moved me to tears, friends whose work in the media or arts leaves my mouth hanging open. And, just like my childhood idols, their talent doesn’t move me to be a better writer. I envy it, I wish I had it, but if it moves me to anything, it’s to throw up my hands and stop trying. Talent feels like a gift, not a choice, and their gifts seem inaccessible to me.

I feel similarly about women who are super high achievers, who have forged huge careers or built successful businesses or amassed power and prestige. I admire their determination, their energy, their capacity to continually lean in. I read updates about their latest accomplishments as I settle on my couch for my afternoon nap. But their achievements feel unreachable to me. I don’t have their drive, or their skills. I do the best I can, but I will never reach their heights.

I am inspired by women who have the traits I want to cultivate. They demonstrate the qualities that I already have within myself, but wish to embody more.

KERRI SACKVILLE

That is the thing about admiration. The person is elevated above us. We can’t climb to their level; we can only look up at them in awe.

Inspiration is different. Inspiration is what generates change. Inspiration makes us want to do better, to be better, to live better lives. I am inspired by women who have the traits I want to cultivate, the traits I truly value. They demonstrate the qualities that I already have within myself, qualities I glimpse, but wish to embody more.

Resilience. Generosity. Giving back to others.

I am inspired by women who are resilient, who have been through adversity, but who keep pushing on with courage. Life is hard for most of us, and I have seen plenty of women crumble under the weight of the hand they have been dealt. But I also know women who roll with the punches, who deal with tough times with grace and dignity, who cry and grieve, but who haul themselves up and dust themselves off, every time.

I have a friend with a seriously ill child. She gets up every day and cares for that child and her other kids, participates in the world around her, tells self-deprecating jokes, and is a good friend and partner. It isn’t her circumstances that make her inspirational. She didn’t choose her life. It is her fortitude, her sense of humour, and her refusal to give up.

I have a family member who is going through chemo for her fourth bout of cancer. She cracks jokes about her bald head, and tells us she’s doing well even while experiencing extreme discomfort. Her cancer certainly isn’t inspirational, but her positive attitude and resilience are.

I also know several women who have survived terrible loss, who manage to keep living, and to somehow find the joy in life. Their bereavement doesn’t make them inspirational, but their refusal to be destroyed by it does.

I’m also deeply inspired by women who give to others. One of my friends works hard to support herself, and volunteers countless hours to helping others in need. I also know several affluent women who could have chosen to sit back and enjoy their good fortune, but who have instead founded charities that give back to the community.

I am inspired by their values, their decency, and their generosity. Their examples push me to be more generous myself.

The women who inspire me don’t tower above me, and they don’t make me feel lesser. They walk slightly ahead of me, showing me the way. They are accessible and relatable, and they help me to see my potential. When I’m having a rough day, they inspire me to be braver. When I’m feeling despondent, they inspire me to look for the good. When I’m feeling discouraged, they inspire me to give back.

So on this International Women’s Day I am not looking up. I am looking directly at them.

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