Agony Aunt Coleen Nolan gives advice to a reader who is worried her best friend isn’t truly happy since leaving her partner and now resorts to sleeping with men as a form of self harm.
Dear Coleen,
I need advice about how to help my best friend who’s gone off the rails a bit since breaking up with her long-term partner a few months ago. It was the right thing for her, as her ex was crazy and unreliable, and they had frequent screaming matches with their four-year-old daughter in the house.
She’s now living in a tiny studio flat with her daughter, but she’s much happier and life is calmer, and she gets plenty of support from friends, including me, as well as her family, who are great.
My problem is, she goes out most weekends with a few of her single friends, usually has a lot to drink and often hooks up with guys. I’ve lost track of who she’s slept with since moving on from her ex. I’m not judging her, but I worry that she’s not happy and all this partying is just a form of self-harm.
I sometimes babysit her daughter when she’s out at the weekend, which I’m happy to do, as I love her child like my own and she’s good company for my little girl. What do I do? I want to speak to her, but worry it’ll come out wrong and she’ll think I’m judging her for her lifestyle. Any ideas?
Coleen says:
As long as she’s being careful and safe, and it’s not affecting her daughter, then maybe let her go a bit nuts. She’s a single parent now, she’s come out of a horrible relationship where she felt trapped and hemmed in, so I think her reaction is probably quite natural. In the past, I’ve gone a bit wild at the end of a long relationship, but it doesn’t last. The novelty wears off, you get bored and you start wanting to meet someone and maybe think about the possibility of a relationship again.
It sounds like your friend needs to build up her self-esteem and confidence and maybe this is helping her to do that – she needs to find herself again. You’re being a great friend to her and, as her mate, you’d obviously have to say something if she was expecting you to babysit 24/7 while she partied or if her drinking is causing concern. But, if that’s not the case, then just do what you can to help build her up and be there for her.
Let her know you’re always there to listen and, if you do talk to her, then go in gently by asking questions that open a conversation – for example, you could say, “Do you think you’d like another relationship sometime soon or are you enjoying being single and having some fun?” I think she will open up to you if your approach is caring and supportive.
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