By Peter FitzSimons
Look, I grant you, watching the machinations of LIV golf lately is a little like reading Liberal Party policy announcements of what they’ll do “if elected” – it is all but entirely beside the point. But out of pure bloody-mindedness, I couldn’t resist some commentary on LIV’s latest announcement.
For – you hold the front page, and I’ll put the kettle on – they’ve just let the world know that from now their tournaments will go from being three-day events over 54 holes, to four-day events with 72 holes!
Seriously. All that hoopla, all that carry-on, all that endless Greg Norman buffoonery, all that pinstripes bankery-wankery about how they were “revolutionising the sport” and vastly improving and modernising its traditional staid format, and now … this.
Cue T.S. Eliot: “This is how the world ends; not with a bang, but a whimper.”
But if a LIV administrator whimpers on a lost fairway in Saudi Arabia, and no-one is there to see it, or hear it, or televise it, is it still a whimper?
I think so, yes.
Cameron Smith’s world ranking has slumped to No.277 since he left the PGA Tour for LIV Golf.Credit: Getty Images, Artwork: Aresna Villanueva
Fer Chrissakes! The 54-hole thing was so bloody important to them that it’s where the name came from in the first place! “LIV”, as in the Roman numerals for 54, geddit, geddit, GEDDIT?
And the shameless chutzpah with which their craven cave-in collapse back to 72 holes is accompanied, is equally breathtaking. Tell ’em what you said, Bryson DeChambeau!
“By moving to 72 holes,” he said, LIV Golf is taking a proactive step to align with the historic format recognised globally.”
That’s it! He wants LIV to be commended for their move to, “align with the historic format.”
Former LIV Golf supremo Greg Norman. Credit: Getty Images
See, we revolutionaries who once gathered at the palace gates with flaming torches, wanting to burn the joint down, now want a pat on the back because we’ve discovered we’re traditionalists after all!
Your turn, Jon Rahm.
“LIV Golf is a player’s league. We are competitors to the core, and we want every opportunity to compete at the highest level and to perfect our craft.”
Yeah, nah. You just took the money, Jon, and everyone knows it. More lettuce, more bread, but hold the baloney. But do go on.
“Moving to 72 holes is the logical next step that strengthens the competition, tests us more fully, and, if the growing galleries from last season are any indication, delivers more of what the fans want.”
The growing galleries? Your crowds are so thin, sport, they’re bulimic! Your comp is bleeding billions out its arse, because no-one cares!
As to the views of our own Cam Smith – formerly the No.2 golfer in the world – there is no word. Sadly, and I mean this, I guess no-one cares either what the views of the fellow now ranked No.277 are.
But I leave you with the words of the CEO of LIV Golf – perhaps now “LXXII” Golf – Scott O’Neil.
“The most successful leagues around the world – IPL, EPL, NBA, MLB, NFL – continue to innovate and evolve their product, and as an emerging league, we are no different.”
Yes, folks. Going back to 72 holes, just like mother used to make, is not only an “alignment with the historical format”, it’s also an “innovation”! And you think we’re submerging beneath the blood-soaked sand-dunes, but we’re actually still “emerging”.
Sorry, sorry.
Each month I try to hold myself back on the LIV train crash, but it just gets the better of me. I think what gets me is that none of them have the decency to say, “Christ this is an ugly train crash”. All we get is more press releases from the smouldering ruins, about how peachy-keen everything is. The only upside is they’re no longer from Greg Norman, and …
And, anyhoo, can that be the time?
Yes, folks, it is time.
Where are you, R360? You’re up next. The train tracks to oblivion await.
Toot-toot!
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