Want to seem like the funniest, most news-savvy member of your Monday morning conference call? Do what the pros do and steal a joke or two from Michael Che and Colin Jost, the SNL guys who get paid to write them for a living.
Here are 10 punchlines from last week’s news you can use to impress your co-workers. Caution: You have to create your own news graphics.
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“John Bolton became the third person on President Trump’s enemies list to be indicted. And you know you aren’t living your life right when you keep an actual list of your enemies. At least that’s what my therapist told me. So now she’s on the list, too.”
“President Trump criticized Time Magazine for using a bad picture of him on the cover, saying, quote, ‘They disappeared my hair.’ And I got to agree, that thing do look waxed.”
“Hundreds of people in Portland sent a message to ICE to leave their city by riding their bikes naked through the rain. And you’re not going to believe this — it didn’t work.”
“President Trump finally released what everyone has been asking him to release: George Santos. The former Republican congressman who had pled guilty to fraud and something called aggravated identity theft — which I think is when you push someone into a closet and switch clothes with them — is now free and will face zero consequences. But Santos says that he’s a changed man, and he even released a photo of his new prison body.”
“In the clinching game of the NLCS, Dodgers star Shohei Ohtani pitched six scoreless innings, struck out 10 batters, then hit three home runs. It’s a feat previously only accomplished by George Santos.”
“President Trump announced that another alleged drug-smuggling boat from Venezuela has been blown out of the water without warning. And you may not think that’s a big deal right now, but one day soon, you’ll look at yourself in the mirror and realize you’re out of cocaine.”
“Retailers are saying that the top kids costumes for Halloween this year are the KPop Demon Hunters, or as it’s sold at Spirit Halloween: Asian Singing Murderers.”
“Volodymyr Zelenskyy has said that if President Trump provides Ukraine with Tomahawk missiles, he will nominate Trump for a Nobel Peace Prize. You know, the prize they give you for selling missiles.”
“Britain’s Prince Andrew announced that after a discussion with King Charles about his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein, he will stop using his royal title, Duke of York, and instead will go by the King of Quinceañeras.”
“While traveling on Air Force One to the Middle East to celebrate the ceasefire, President Trump told reporters, ‘I don’t think there’s anything that’s gonna get me into heaven.’ Then he paused for 10 full minutes, waiting for someone to say, ‘That’s not true.’ Trump can’t go to heaven. He’s far too busy down here, running hell.”
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