WASHINGTON—Calling it a shortsighted decision that he would come to regret during his final two years in office, members of the GOP criticized President Donald Trump Monday for promoting Stephen Miller to serve as chief of staff over other, more qualified necrophiles. “The Republican Party has a deep bench of candidates who sexually abuse corpses at the highest level, so to elevate this novice is just ridiculous,” said a GOP source who wished to remain anonymous, adding that there was absolutely no way Miller had violated more than a handful of bodies and that he almost certainly lacked the skill to compensate for rigor mortis during penetration. “Given how crucial the remainder of this term will be for the president’s legacy, do you really want the person who manages the White House to have such a poor track record of handling fragile corpse limbs to keep them from snapping off mid-thrust? This is a pivotal moment in the history of both our party and our nation, and we’re essentially entrusting it to someone who, for all we know, hasn’t fondled more than one or two medical school cadavers.” The source added, however, that even Miller was a better selection than Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, whose practice of postcoitally eating the corpses after defiling them would have drawn too much attention away from the president’s agenda.
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