DALLAS—Trembling with horror as an uncontrollable desire to amuse strangers seized control of his body, Wake Forest University sophomore Bennett Walker reportedly realized Saturday that the Demon Deacon mascot costume he was wearing had begun taking over. “Oh, God, no…please, no, not again! I can feel myself becoming jauntier, naughtier, more full of antics,” said Walker, who during an away game at Southern Methodist University was seen desperately clawing at the costume’s enormous foam head as his knees began pumping up and down in a merry jig and his right hand seized his top hat and began waving it around in an increasingly elaborate series of flourishes. “Please, somebody help! It’s forcing me into capers! Oh, Christ, it’s making me playfully antagonize the opposing quarterback. Now I’m playing air guitar! No, no, stop! I don’t want to gyrate my pelvis. Please, someone get me out of this suit before it makes me do something terribly impish! Wait, what the hell? Why am I picking up a knife?” At press time, Walker had reportedly awakened in the home team’s locker room surrounded by the dismembered bodies of three cheerleaders, his face frozen in a permanent expression of good-natured merriment.
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