CHICAGO—Revealing a highly calibrated system that he has fine-tuned over a lifetime of trial and error, local man Ken Stafford told reporters Wednesday that he has a favorite hot dog place for every level of sobriety. “Richie’s is completely disgusting garbage unless you’re absolutely hammered, then it’s, like, the best fucking spot in the world,” said Stafford, who, in what amounts to years of self-administered longitudinal research, ethnographic field work, and controlled taste trials, now has at least 12 “go-to dog spots” depending on precisely how intoxicated he is, ranging from “tipsy” to “good enough to drive” to “completely fucking shit-faced.” “Mustard Club is delicious for when you are buzzed at lunch, but the place closes at 9 p.m., their hot dogs are, like, 11$, and they have vegetables on them and shit. Now, if you want something real quick before heading out to the bars, you’ll definitely want to head to Schmidty Dogs and get the Bacon Boy. But trust me, if it’s 2:30 a.m. and you’re looking to scarf something down real quick before passing out, you gotta get the cheesy dog at Bun Run—but I can only have one of those when I’m seven or eight drinks in. And when you’re hungover the next morning, nothing will cure you like the breakfast dog at Chico’s.” According to third-party data, Stafford’s overwhelmingly most-visited hot dog place was actually the 7-Eleven at the gas station by his apartment, though he doesn’t knowingly consider it a favorite spot, as he only goes there when he’s completely blackout drunk.
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