CHICOPEE, MA—Saying that she couldn’t recall a time of familial peace since the early ’90s, area woman Melissa Maynard confirmed Wednesday that her parents were actively feuding with at least one aunt at all times. “If they’re not fighting with Aunt Linda, then they’re definitely badmouthing Aunt Michelle,” said Maynard, explaining that the most recent dispute began when Aunt Michelle refused to chip in for the shrimp cocktail appetizer ordered for a family gathering at a restaurant. “But before this, my parents didn’t talk to Aunt Linda for a whole year because they were mad that she inherited my grandfather’s snowblower instead of Mom. And now all of a sudden they’re taking a vacation to visit her in Cincinnati like nothing ever happened. I bet that as soon as they patch things up with Aunt Michelle, they’ll reignite the long-standing argument they’ve been having with Aunt Susan ever since she declined to invite them to her small wedding in 1995.” At press time, Maynard announced that her parents were feuding with all three aunts simultaneously.
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