THE ARCTIC CIRCLE—With a vow to destroy the abomination she had created if it was the last thing she ever did, television host Oprah Winfrey has spent weeks on a ship pursuing Dr. Phil through the Arctic, sources reported Tuesday.
Sailors aboard the vessel confirmed that while Winfrey appeared ill and exhausted from continuous exposure to the harsh tundra, she nonetheless spent hour upon hour peering through a brass spyglass and scanning the desolate landscape for any sign of the grotesque TV personality and formerly licensed therapist. Despite the heavy winds and raging sea, the 71-year-old media entrepreneur reportedly urged the ship’s captain to press northward.
“There! There he is, that speck on the horizon!” said Winfrey, who had armed herself with a pistol, several daggers, and a heavy hardcover copy of Jonathan Franzen’s The Corrections in preparation for a final face-to-face encounter with Dr. Phil. “I brought this horrid creature into the world, and now I must take him out!”
“The dæmon will pay for what he’s done to my legacy,” Winfrey continued.
The ship’s captain, 50-year-old Rodney Walton, told reporters that crew members had picked up Winfrey after spotting her stranded on a piece of fractured sea ice with a sled, a team of dogs, and a slightly mad look in her eye. Although she was evidently suffering from pneumonia and malnutrition, Winfrey was said to be hellbent on the immediate pursuit of Dr. Phil.
Had he not caught a glimpse of the monstrosity himself, Walton stated, he would not have believed in such a television host’s existence.
“He was tall and impossibly hideous, with a mustache that made my blood run cold,” said Walton, who shuddered visibly as he described Dr. Phil’s gruesome visage. “His voice, too. I’ll never forget it. He kept moaning about out-of-control teens stealing pills and cutting class. It wasn’t human.”
Winfrey expressed remorse over the fateful night years ago when she created the TV host at Harpo Studios, telling reporters it was a hubristic desire to play the Queen of All Media that compelled her to bring Dr. Phil to life.
Sketches in her possession revealed that she had reanimated Dr. Phil after exhuming the freshly buried remains of a deceased cutthroat and scoundrel, which she then combined with the rotting organs of a door-to-door Amway salesman, several telemarketers, and a disbarred attorney.
“What beast have I unleashed upon the world?” said Winfrey, who seemed hardly to notice the icicles forming on her eyelashes as she paced back and forth on the deck of the ship.
Winfrey stated that she had spent the past few months on the trail of Dr. Phil, traveling thousands of miles through the Alps, the Black Sea, the Mediterranean, the Russian wilderness, and, at one point, Los Angeles, where he was embedded with federal immigration officers. Winfrey alleged the pursuit was instigated after Dr. Phil strangled her beloved Stedman in retaliation for her refusal to create a female Dr. Phil to serve as his companion.
“Oh my dear Stedman, how I weep for thee,” said Winfrey, crying out in anguish as she recalled how she had looked up from the spot where she discovered her longtime partner’s limp body and seen a cackling Dr. Phil perched on the window sill. “I fired my pistol, but it was too late—the fiend leapt from the window and dove into the lake.”
“By the power of my 19 Daytime Emmy Awards, I shall vanquish you, wretch!” Winfrey added.
According to sources, Winfrey’s already poor health took a turn for the worse after the vessel became trapped in ice and completely grounded the hunt for the creature. When Winfrey’s condition forced her to take to her bed, she entered a state of delirium, alternately shivering in silence and cursing Dr. Phil’s name at the top of her lungs. She was overheard vowing to hack through every last iceberg herself should it prove necessary to wipe him forever from the face of the earth.
“Promise me that if I perish, you shall pursue the creature yourself,” said Winfrey, peering up at the ship captain from her bundle of furs in one of her last lucid moments. “This year, my favorite thing is vengeance.”
At press time, Walton had reportedly discovered Dr. Phil hunched over Winfrey’s lifeless body, weeping.
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