CAMDEN, NJ—Revealing that the products offered customers multiple protection options in a delicious range of flavors, food processing giant Campbell’s announced Thursday it had launched a new line of self-defense soups. “Whether you attach the can to a strap and use it as a flail or heat up the soup to create a thermal weapon, we guarantee these powerful security devices will be ready in under five minutes,” said company spokesperson Cheryl Turner, who stressed the importance of always having something on hand that can be prepared quickly in the event of an unexpected home intruder. “The soups are also a convenient option for customers on the go, because you can wear one on a lanyard when out walking at night, warning potential attackers that you’re prepared to dole out the homemade taste of punishment. We recommend using our Chunky Beef with Country Vegetables variety for bludgeoning, while our cream-based soups like Homestyle Broccoli Cheddar work best for scalding enemies. Stock your pantry arsenal today!” Campbell’s executives told reporters the company was also developing a long-range aerosol version of its Spicy Nacho Cheese soup to spray in the eyes of assailants.
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