RUTHERFORD, NJ—Expressing disappointment at how his life had turned out, local pet iguana Kermit confirmed this week that he had assumed by this point he would have moved out of his starter tank. “I just always pictured myself living in a far bigger enclosure at this age,” said the 8-year-old green iguana, adding that when he was a juvenile he didn’t mind being placed in the modest habitat, with its small plastic rock and budget friendly heat lamp, but that he had always figured it would be more of a short-term arrangement. “I’ve grown over the years, and this place hasn’t exactly grown with me. I mean, I try to be grateful—I know there are a lot of captive reptiles who would kill to have a stable arrangement like mine—but at the same time, it’s hard not to get jealous of my peers who live in 75-gallon terrariums with full-spectrum UVB lighting and a working waterfall. I didn’t expect anything ornate. But, you know, a tank with a little pond, some natural light, and maybe a view of the living room would be nice. I still would eventually like to have a mate to share my home with, and I just can’t do that here.” At press time, Kermit was reportedly staring at a pet supplies catalog left near the terrarium, wondering what his life might have been had things played out differently.
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