PREDAZZO, ITALY—Calling the incident a flagrant violation of both the rules of the event and the fundamental constants of the universe, International Olympic Committee officials confirmed Saturday that the Finnish ski jumping team had been caught tampering with Earth’s gravitational field in an attempt to gain a competitive advantage at the Winter Olympics. “During a routine equipment inspection, we discovered a number of small objects levitating around a strange, toaster-oven-sized device with a glowing core that appears to have been used during competition to favorably alter Earth’s rotation for Team Finland’s ski jumpers,” said IOC spokesman Mark Adams, noting that suspicions had also been raised after Finland’s Vilho Palosaari serenely floated for almost a mile during his jump in the first round of the men’s large hill finals, shattering numerous world records. “Further, our investigation found that the apparatus had been deployed in reverse against opponents, increasing gravitational forces so that athletes could only get several inches off the ground. Using supernatural technology to alter the laws of physics does not in any way align with the spirit of the Games, and we have therefore decided to disqualify the Finnish ski jumpers for the remainder of the Winter Olympics.” The Finns have denied any wrongdoing, claiming that the device was a traditional Finnish kitchen implement used to prepare rye bread.
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