VERNON HILLS, IL—Lacking the ability to transform her father’s personality to the same extent as his leather couch or riding lawn mower, newborn baby Amber Gilroy reportedly failed this week to change new parent Eric Gilroy in any conceivable way. “Eric was always nice but just kind of floating through life, and then as soon as he had Amber you could really see how exactly the same he was,” said Gilroy’s sister Taylor, who revealed she noticed the amazing lack of growth from the moment Gilroy first held his daughter in his arms and shifted her to check on a DraftKings alert on his phone. “Look deep into his eyes, and you could tell this baby was just another random human being passing in front of him. We always suspected Eric had this well of love and emotion that was right beneath the surface waiting to burst out, and then Amber comes along and you realize, nah. He came back from the hospital and the first time my boyfriend talked to him he said Eric was just head-over-heels, going on and on about this new smoker he bought. For years, Eric was this punch-in, punch-out guy at work who mostly cared about the Bears, and now he does that stuff while also changing diapers sometimes. I asked him what it felt like being a new dad, and he just paused for a minute, as if searching for the words. But then I realized he hadn’t heard me and was concentrating on a Bud Light commercial.” At press time Gilroy was staring gratefully at his newborn daughter after starting to grasp that he could use his four-week paternity leave to take a hunting trip in Wisconsin.
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