MEMPHIS, TN—Immediately conducting a risk assessment after he heard the doorbell ring, local dog Toby was reportedly forced Wednesday to make a split-second decision about whether to kill or show his tummy to an unknown visitor. “I really love getting scritchy-scratchies on my tumtum, but if this guy is dangerous, then the safer bet is to slaughter him,” said the 3-year-old pit bull mix, barking ferociously but also wagging his tail as he raced off the couch toward the stranger standing in the doorway. “He’s smiling at me! I should roll over and present my belly. But maybe that’s what he wants me to do. This could be a ruse to win my affection before killing me, attacking my family, and stealing all my food. I should maul him.” At press time, reports confirmed the dog opted to enact a maneuver he learned from the family’s cat that involved accepting the belly rub and then spinning around to bite the man’s hand.
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