MILAN—Rushing around the dormitory in order to conceal evidence of their recent activity, the dozens of athletes engaging in a raucous Olympic Village fuckfest Thursday were reportedly forced to fake having a Bible study session just as several members of the curling team entered the room. “Oh! Uh, hey there, we were just taking a look at Paul’s First Epistle to the Corinthians and didn’t hear you knocking,” Danish skier Christian Borgnæs said as he nudged a box containing various sex toys, ribbed condoms, and leather riding crops under the bed on which, moments earlier, he had been stuffing his penis and fingers into the hungry orifices of four of his fellow Olympians. “Yep, just studying God’s word and discussing how we can glorify Him as athletes. Totally cool if you’re not into this Bible stuff and want to leave us to it. It’s honestly all pretty boring. Close the door behind you?” According to reports, American curler Danny Casper responded by pulling up a book of hymns on his phone and enthusiastically leading the aroused, alkyl-nitrite-addled athletes in a rendition of “A Mighty Fortress Is Our God.”
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