HARTFORD CITY, IN—Growing increasingly frustrated by the time-consuming slog of ingestion, local man Andrew Neel reportedly expressed annoyance Thursday that he must chew the current food in his mouth before he could move on to chewing the next food. “Here I am wasting the whole goddamn day chewing this bite of hamburger when there are perfectly good fries sitting right here on the plate that I could be chewing instead,” said Neel, pouring huge glugs of Pepsi into his mouth in a futile attempt to force the bolus of food down his throat and expedite the eating process. “God, this is such bullshit. I want to eat the fries now! Food should just fall straight into your tummy, like how whales eat. Enough with this chewing nonsense. Fuck!” At press time, witnesses confirmed that a purple-faced Neel was in the process of choking to death after he attempted to swallow a recklessly large mass of partially chewed hamburger in a single desperate gulp.
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