AKRON, OH—Replying to a sparse text thread that had been only marginally active over the past few years, the nation’s friends from college announced Thursday that they would need someone to lean on during their divorce. “We know that we kind of fell off the face of the earth after getting married, but the divorce made us realize just how much we could really use a friend right now,” said 41-year-old Greg Whipple, who spoke on behalf of all former college buddies looking to reconnect after the recent dissolution of their marriages left them with both too much free time and no support system. “We’re going through a rough patch and really need constant validation to fill the void in our newly single lives. We’d love to meet up for a drink—heck, let’s make it a weekly thing. Also, please be aware that texting us something generic like ‘Sorry to hear that!’ will be met with emotional four-paragraph responses from here on out.” The friends added that they knew your marriage was solid, but said if that ever changed, they knew a really great lawyer.
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