WASHINGTON—Positioning pubic hair as the body’s natural bulwark against urethral intrusions, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. urged Americans Thursday to grow as many pubes as possible to keep bugs from crawling into their cockholes. “Pubes are the strongest type of hair there is, with tensile strength exceeding that of steel, and they serve as a vital barrier for preventing small insects from wriggling into penis holes in search of nutrients or shelter,” said the nation’s top health official, urging Americans to follow his example by covering their groins with a thick nest of hair to deter crickets, silverfish, and other pests intent on entering their urethras. “As a matter of preventive health, I’d recommend a baseline pubic length of three inches—the minimum needed to safeguard against larger bug threats such as horseflies, moths, and wolf spiders. Big Urology would have you believe that one little tuft will do the job, but that’s like putting up a single traffic cone and calling it border security. Also, this likely goes without saying, but since children don’t have hair down there, they should be kept safely indoors until they’re able to grow adequate coverage to protect their vulnerable regions.” Kennedy concluded the press conference by announcing a $4 billion federal initiative to raise awareness about the new guidelines nationwide entitled “Secure The Slit.”
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