The 98th Academy Awards will take place March 15 at the Dolby Theater. The Onion examines the 10 contenders in this year’s Best Picture race.
Bugonia
Synopsis: A conspiracy theorist attempts to uncover a CEO’s sinister plot that is oddly devoid of pedophiles.
Defining Line: “Prepare to be bald, idiot!”
Prospects: Slim, but they said that about The Broadway Melody back in 1930, and that made us all look like a bunch of fucking idiots.
F1
Synopsis: Hotshot pilot Maverick must train a new class of Top Gun graduates while coping with the trauma of losing his best friend, Goose.
Defining Line: “The cars come alive, Ruben! Every night after we go to bed!”
Prospects: Can you imagine?
Frankenstein
Synopsis: Come on, everybody read the book in ninth grade.
Defining Line: “Father, father! My pud fell off! Please mend for Frankenstein!”
Prospects: Low, as we’re still holding out hope that The Bad Guys 2 makes a surprise come-from-behind.
Hamnet
Synopsis: A poignant drama that explores Agnes and William Shakespeare’s loss of their 11-year-old-son, which back then was considered pretty old, all things considered.
Defining line: “Remember the Alamo.”
Prospects: This film might just be forgettable enough to pull off the Best Picture win.
Sinners
Synopsis: Twin brothers return to Mississippi and face a sinister vampire threat while attempting to lose 500 pounds and qualify for bariatric surgery.
Defining Line: “Brother, look at us, we are being covetous. I guess that makes us…sinners.”
“Not sinners, brother. Twinners.”
Prospects: Bad. The Academy is like 70% vampires.
Marty Supreme
Synopsis: A cautionary tale about the dangers of giving Timothée Chalamet too much publicity.
Defining Line: “Pock… pock… pock….pock….”
Prospects: Not great Oscar-wise, but the spanking scene cleaned up at the AVNs.
One Battle After Another
Synopsis: Loosely based on Thomas Pynchon’s Vineland, Paul Thomas Anderson proves he can read.
Defining Line: “They took my daughter! Quick, start an online petition!”
Prospects: The Academy could have sworn they awarded this Best Picture already.
The Secret Agent
Synopsis: A professor fleeing a military dictatorship in Brazil confuses the hell out of your father who thought this was going to be the next Bourne movie
Defining Line: “Don’t worry, you can trust me. I’m not a secret agent.”
Prospects: ICE agents are manning the stage just in case.
Sentimental Value
Synopsis: A profoundly resonant family drama written by and for people far smarter than you.
Defining Line: “Hooten-dooten, bork bork!”
Prospects: Nothing can stop the long march of Norwegian cultural domination.
Train Dreams
Synopsis: A wildfire reduces a man’s wife and young daughter to ash, freeing him up for an epic boys’ night.
Defining Line: “I can’t wait until someone invents the internet so I can watch pornography.”
Prospects: A tossup, as the Academy is big on dreams, but famously unmoved by trains.
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