KALISPELL, MT—Presenting a united front in their carefully timed effort, friends and coworkers announced plans Monday to gang up on local depressed man Alberto Rivas right when he felt at his worst. “We’re all coordinating with each other to ensure that at the precise moment he thinks he’s hit rock bottom, things actually get even worse for him,” said Rivas’ colleague Jane Ferro, who spoke on behalf of the people closest to the 36-year-old as she outlined their strategy to crush his spirits at both work and home, inflicting maximum emotional damage on the already weakened and fragile man. “We will be working in close concert to ensure that Alberto feels attacked from all angles as soon as he’s at his lowest, an objective we intend to accomplish through subtle—but still cutting—remarks about his height, weight, general incompetence, and lack of romantic prospects, in addition to comments upon the overall futility of his personal existence. We will kick him when he’s down, and we will not let up.” At press time, sources told reporters that Rivas had unfortunately killed himself before the plan could be set into motion.
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