LOS ANGELES—Admitting that the team’s ballooning salary expenditures had rapidly gotten away from him, panicked Los Angeles Dodgers owner Mark Walter told reporters Thursday that he had absolutely no idea how he was going to come up with the funds needed to cover this year’s $414 million payroll. “What the hell, $414 million? I’m totally fucked! Obviously I did not mean to spend half a billion goddamn dollars on baseball players—that’s insane!” said Walter, adding that his extravagant spending on costly player contract extensions and signing bonuses was many times what the Dodgers could possibly generate in revenue, and that the organization would almost certainly have to declare bankruptcy and withdraw from the 2026 Major League Baseball season because of his egregious mismanagement. “Why didn’t anyone step in and stop me? I mean, $182 million for Blake Snell? I don’t even know who that is! Jesus, I’m completely underwater here. Do you think Shohei would take his paycheck in baseball tickets? Or maybe we can convince him his contract is in yen? If I don’t figure something out, I’m straight-up going to prison.” At press time, witnesses confirmed Walter was frantically upending cans of gasoline throughout Dodger Stadium in hopes of burning it down for insurance money.
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