WASHINGTON—Saying he had finally found a military commander whose character was worthy of the U.S. Army, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Friday that he was replacing ousted top general Randy George with a horse that drinks beer. “With Dusty’s wartime promotion to Army chief of staff, we’re putting the world on notice that the days of buzzkill leadership are over,” said Hegseth, adding that the muscular 9-year-old stallion could lap up a gallon of beer in minutes and immediately nuzzle his bucket for a refill. “He has no use for woke military strategy. All he needs is a case of Bud—none of that imported shit—brought to his stable on the hour, every hour. If Dusty’s not drinking beer, he’s lowering his head so his groom can smash a can against it. Finally, we go to war with a general who fucking rules.” At press time, the horse had reportedly stomped his hoof twice to order a ferocious bombing campaign and then toppled over into a pile of straw.
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