WASHINGTON—In a troubling discovery that has public health researchers on high alert for a wider outbreak, a team of Georgetown University epidemiologists announced Tuesday that they had confirmed the first known airborne transmission of Mar-a-Lago face. “After a 32-year-old woman with no history of plastic surgery presented to doctors with distended lips, eyelid discoloration, and severe cheek swelling, subsequent tests and contact tracing determined that the patient had contracted Mar-a-Lago face via a brief exposure to respiratory droplets from Kimberly Guilfoyle,” said infectious disease researcher Sarah O’Hanlon, adding that failure to contain this more transmissible strain of the MAGA aesthetic could leave the entire country with spray tans and unnaturally frozen brows in a matter of weeks. “This severely disfiguring condition can rapidly progress from a slight skin tautness to making you look like an anaphylactic vampire, so we’re urging the public to take precautions to protect their appearance. Stay home and avoid med spas without good air filtration. Try to stay at least six feet away from any Trump appointees or donors. And if you think your face is showing signs of conservative conceptions of beauty, please, do everyone a favor and wear a mask.” At press time, the epidemiologists were reportedly investigating evidence of interspecies Mar-a-Lago face transmission after a fur farm in Pennsylvania was forced to cull thousands of mink that looked like former Rep. Matt Gaetz.
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