LANGLEY, VA—In the wake of an operation condemned by critics as a reckless provocation that fails to heed the lessons of history, the Central Intelligence Agency came under fire Friday for arming a group of rowdy 7-year-olds in the town of Heronburg, OH. “Last I checked, the American people were never consulted about whether they wanted to spend millions of dollars on assault weapons and air-to-ground missiles so we could back a bunch of rambunctious elementary schoolers,” said Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT), denouncing the “interventionist boondoggle” known as Operation First Grade, in which the CIA outfitted the pack of red-faced, boisterous school children with AK-47s, Stinger missiles, and anti-tank weapons in exchange for continued access to their playground, where the agency plans to construct a special training facility. “Let’s be real here: Jackson H. is not a faithful steward of Lincoln Elementary’s student body, and if he is deposed, you know what? You wind up with Jackson P. in charge. And he’s a genuine bully. Have we even asked permission to do this from their mothers? No, of course not. And I have yet to hear a single legitimate explanation for how it benefits our citizens in any way for these kids to topple their principal.” At press time, CIA director John Ratcliffe had issued a statement denying responsibility for the rocket-propelled grenades that destroyed the school’s cafeteria, insisting they were fired by anti-lunch extremists.
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