DENVER—Frustrated by his fixation on a totally irrelevant topic at the expense of issues that actually matter to Americans, numerous voters told reporters this week that congressional candidate Ted Botello was campaigning for office with no better ideas than improving the economy. “This guy won’t stop talking about how he’s going to make life more affordable, like anyone even cares about that bullshit,” said Marcie Cagle, adding that just once she’d love to hear Botello attempt to explain away a series of sexual transgressions or savagely scapegoat an entire culture for no reason. “Seriously, he’d better start railing against an eighth-grade trans girl who wants to play middle school volleyball, because this nonsense about how people like me shouldn’t have to choose between healthcare and paying rent is not cutting it. If he’s going to just sit there going on and on about the needs of everyday Americans, then he’ll never connect with average voters such as myself. But hey, who knows? Maybe today’s the day he stops blabbing about my sky-high grocery bills and finally condemns the woke apocalypse.” At press time, Cagle was seen shaking her head as Botello unveiled a four-part plan for lowering gas prices.
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