Q: I attended a family funeral where the eulogy for the dearly departed described them as “kind”, “empathetic”, “a bright personality who always put family first”. None of this was remotely true. Must a eulogy always whitewash a deceased’s true personality? W.H., Surry Hills, NSW
A: Think of a funeral as a parent-teacher interview where the parents are the funeral attendees, the teacher is the eulogist and the kid is the corpse in the coffin – not a particularly pleasant comparison, but go with me on this: the morbidness pays off. The teacher’s job is to put a positive spin on a kid, no matter how monstrous that kid may be, using euphemistic language like, “Yes, he’s a creative and playful little fella” instead of, “The little shit bit the art teacher on the nose and she had to handcuff him with pipe cleaners”. And the parents’ job is to sit in those tiny classroom chairs, glancing at each other in disbelief, thinking, “Creative? Playful? OK … suuuuure …”
Just like a parent-teacher interview, there’s no need for total honesty at a funeral since everyone is fully aware of the truth: the family, the friends, the eulogist, the corpse. But if you pay close attention, you may spot the truth in the subtext of the ceremony. It’s the subtle giveaway smirk as the eulogist says “a bright personality who always put family first”, along with a comically feigned dry-heave from a sibling sitting down the front. It’s the music playing as the coffin is carried out: Katrina and the Waves’ Walking on Sunshine, with the pall-bearers skip-prancing to the rhythm. It’s the budget-priced reception afterwards in the funeral-home lobby with tepid coffee, tea without milk, and a plate of stale egg sandwiches, crusts still on because no one could be buggered cutting them off. And everyone’s out within half an hour.
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