RACINE, WI—Vowing that the new product line was the ideal way to make termites and beetles suffer for all eternity, household chemical manufacturer S.C. Johnson announced Wednesday that its insecticide brand Raid would be unveiling a new immortality spray that curses insects to watch everyone they love die. “With Raid Immortality Spray, bugs will no longer be granted the sweet release of death, and will instead be burdened with forever walking the Earth watching friends, family, and loved ones slowly wither and expire around them,” said brand representative Sawyer Weidman, noting that the new product effectively made both small and large bugs grapple with physical decay until being driven to madness with no lingering odor in houses or apartments. “Now purchasers can not only eliminate unwanted pests in their homes, but also imprison them in a Sisyphean existence in which their larvae and mates will turn to dust before their compound eyes. Even if they are stepped on, swatted, or squished, their spirit will carry on until the final atom in the universe burns out and they are merely buzzing specks in the expansive nothingness.” Weidman also teased a new product line of labyrinth traps to condemn roaches in an endless maze with no exit.
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