Over the past decade, many Americans have likely found themselves contemplating what life might have looked like if things had turned out otherwise for Hillary Clinton. Would we be richer? Would we be at war? One thing is certain: Had Secretary Clinton won the 2016 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, the world would be a much different place.
We might not be in the mess we are today had the 100th Anniversary Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest gone Hillary’s way back then. Especially if she managed to keep the title for eight years in a row.
Imagine for a moment that our former first lady, her signature pantsuit stained with condiments, had been the one hoisting the coveted Mustard Belt above her head that fateful afternoon. Imagine the look of pride and indigestion-induced pain on her face after she’d spent minute after minute dunking buns in water to choke down yet another frankfurter, knowing she would go down in “herstory” for eating dozens of 100% beef Coney Island hot dogs in rapid succession.
Needless to say, that’s not how things worked out.
We took it for granted at the time, but looking back, a smart, competent woman with a distended belly full of partially digested hot dog is exactly what America needed. A hardworking, no-nonsense girlboss whom the country could count on to roll up her sleeves, strap on a bib, and gobble up an impressive number of reconstituted meat trimmings when duty called.
What an inspiration that would have been to all the little girls watching at home, wondering if they too could someday grow up to consume vast amounts of tubed meat in a relatively short period of time—a victory for every little girl who has ever been told it’s “unladylike” to competitively gorge herself on organ paste pumped into a casing. That’s the world I want my own daughter to grow up in. I just wish she could have seen a confident role model like Hillary Clinton stuffing wet bun after wet bun into her mouth while clutching her bloated stomach as she desperately tried not to vomit.
Hindsight’s 20/20, I suppose.
I hate to indulge too deeply in a fantasy of “what could have been,” but when I see how bad things have gotten lately, with chaos and violence erupting in the streets, access to healthcare waning, and the nation growing more divided by the day, I can’t help but fantasize about an alternate timeline in which Hillary Clinton ate 40 to 50 hot dogs in under 10 minutes.
January 6. Ivermectin. The Iran war. Stormy Daniels. Would these terms even have entered our lexicon had an experienced secretary of state and former U.S. senator suppressed her natural gag reflex in order to pass large, unchewed chunks of hot dog down her gullet a decade ago?
Sure, her reign as hot dog eating world champion might have turned out to be very “by the book.” It might have even been dull by modern standards. But these days, with the world going so crazy, I’d give anything for a return to the simpler times, when our nation had an ethically grounded—dare I say sane—person we could rely on to pack her cheeks full of bread slurry better than anyone else.
Sometimes, I let myself wonder if things would have been different had she just gone to Michigan or Wisconsin to eat some bratwurst. But Hillary Clinton has always done things her own way, and there’s something respectable about wolfing down a sweaty pile of encased meat while keeping your principles intact.
Some critics may claim she never stood a chance and this is all wishful thinking—that she lacked the stomach capacity and jaw strength to succeed at that top level. But these are useless “whataboutisms” that can turn on a dime. One could just as easily argue that if her opponents had eaten too big a dinner the night before and woken up with searing heartburn, we would be living in a different world right now.
Besides, it’s daydreams like these, of Hillary breathlessly ingesting a near-lethal amount of sodium and nitrites in sausage form, that sustain me in tough times. They also make me hopeful for a better tomorrow, one where a Pete Buttigieg, JB Pritzker, or even Kamala Harris can be seen onstage at Coney Island, sweating and gasping in agony as they help make this world a better place through their hot dog consumption.
I just hope in 2028 we find someone who can eat the volume of franks needed to move our country in the right direction.
Disclaimer : This story is auto aggregated by a computer programme and has not been created or edited by DOWNTHENEWS. Publisher: theonion.com
