KANSAS CITY, MO—Audibly groaning as everyone around him rose to their feet, local baseball fan Mark Girma told reporters Friday that he resented a fourth-inning home run for making him pause eating so he could clap. “Oh, for Christ’s sake, now?” said Girma, who had reportedly just squeezed his way down his row following a 25-minute concessions ordeal and was balancing a hot dog, a cup of fries, and a large beer on his lap when Kansas City Royals left fielder Isaac Collins launched a solo shot into the bleachers. “I thought I was safe—the guy’s hitting .240 with five homers all year. Figured it was a good time to eat. But now I look like an asshole because I’m the only one in the section who isn’t standing, and I’m trying to clap while clutching a napkin in my left hand, and the fries are sliding off my leg, and I got ketchup on my wrist, and I’m gripping the beer cup with my teeth. Oh, God, what a disaster. I fucking hate baseball.” At press time, Girma was reportedly quietly hoping for a double play so the inning would end and he could safely resume eating without risk of further chaos.
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