ITHACA, NY—Concluding that Americans were being forced to endure huge stretches of the year without any obvious social pretext for serving warm bread, a new study published Monday by researchers at Cornell University found there simply aren’t enough occasions where you get to eat rolls. “Our data shows that the vast majority of people would welcome more frequent instances in which a little roll is placed next to their plate, especially when the roll is warm and comes with a small pat of butter that melts right into it,” said lead researcher Arthur Guevara, adding that while rolls remain popular at Thanksgiving, Easter, weddings, and certain steakhouse chains, those opportunities are nowhere near sufficient to meet the nation’s demand. “Everyone loves rolls—children, adults, the elderly. Virtually no one reacts negatively to seeing rolls on the table, and that’s because they’re awesome. There’s really no reason we shouldn’t have more dedicated occasions where people can show up somewhere and just know rolls are going to be there. Why not hand out rolls on Halloween? Why isn’t there something like Taco Tuesday, but for rolls? Sure, you can technically go to the grocery store and buy rolls whenever you want, but that’s not the same as an event where rolls are expected.” The study identified Labor Day, birthdays, Memorial Day, and catered office lunches as “obvious missed roll opportunities.”
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