SANTA FE, NM—Grunting with exertion as he hauled the weighty volume out of his satchel, author George R.R. Martin was seen Tuesday handing his agent an unsolicited, 4,000-page manuscript titled “Tuba Man, Scuba Man.” “Hey, remember that idea I had about a big band leader using a tuba as a diving bell to bring jazz to an underwater civilization of mermaids? Well, it’s finally ready!” said a visibly excited Martin, adding that the sprawling undersea tale of musicianship and political maneuvering had been his primary creative focus over the past 15 years. “I’m telling you, this baby’s got it all. Eel battles! Clarinet prophecies! A great big clam that smokes marijuana! Not to spoil anything, but just when the reader thinks they know who’s going to succeed King Octopius as the merpeople’s saxophonist, I hit them with a scene I’m calling “The Red Lindy Hop.” So far I’ve got 468 chapters, 23 point-of-view characters—that’s including the tuba, who gains sentience—and five of the most unforgettable depictions of Tuba Man on Scuba Man incest that you’ve ever read in your life. Anyway, go ahead and get Apple TV on the phone about an adaptation. I don’t trust HBO to get the sea turtle tits right.” At press time, Martin reportedly responded to his agent’s request to see his progress on the A Song Of Ice And Fire series by handing him a single Post-it note with the word “WOLFS” scribbled on it.
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