ROME—In addition to crossing his arms and shaking his head as he listened to the tech billionaire spread blatant misinformation about the End Times, the Antichrist reportedly rolled his eyes Monday throughout a lecture given by Peter Thiel. “This second-rate charlatan doesn’t know the first goddamn thing about my plans to bring widespread doom,” said the Beast, who grimaced and exhaled black plumes of smoke from his nose while sitting in the front row of the 2,000-person auditorium. “It’s so annoying when armchair eschatologists discuss the Battle of Armageddon without really knowing jack shit. Inverting the order of Christ is something I’m super into, of course. But this guy barely scratches the surface of my schemes, and what details he does bring up are completely fucking wrong. Like, does he seriously think the U.N. has anything to do with the apocalypse? If his claims weren’t so laughable, I’d almost feel the need to publicly correct his dumb ass.” According to lecture attendees, the Lawless One grew fed up and stormed out of the building after Peter Thiel suggested the Antichrist might be Greta Thunberg.
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