WASHINGTON—Underscoring the enduring power of a gorgeous, swaying crop to make Americans hoot and holler, a Pew Research Center poll released Thursday found that a majority of Americans still go bonkers for amber waves of grain. “According to our research, the U.S. populace today remains just as apeshit for grain as early American settlers, who crossed the Great Plains and absolutely frothed at the mouth as they laid eyes on all that rippling wheat in the afternoon sun,” said lead researcher Melissa Grangier, adding that 86% of respondents were visibly worked up and reported feeling “emotionally overwhelmed” when asked to imagine fields of barley, millet, buckwheat, or bulgur bobbing in the breeze. “There is perhaps no purer distillation of the American experience than stepping out your front door, gazing upon an endless expanse of golden grain, and immediately shouting, ‘Ah-wooga! Me likey!’ Our data indicates that Americans are just as bananas for grain as they were 250 years ago, with many survey participants simply pounding the table and chanting, ‘Hell yes! Grain! Show me more grain!’ until our pollsters heeded their demand.” Grangier noted, however, that national enthusiasm for the majesty of purple mountains had cooled significantly, with most respondents describing them as “just okay” and “not grain.”
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