Abbie Chatfield’s biggest regret? ‘Getting back with someone after they gave me an STI’

If the manosphere has proven anything, it’s that there are a lot of confused men out there willing to swallow the worst possible advice. With her new tour Abbie Chatfield Loves Men, the hit podcaster just wants to steer her beautiful babies towards the light.

“It’s a show about a serious topic: the way that men and young boys are being indoctrinated and brainwashed into thinking they’re worthless and that they have no value and that all that matters is money, which is what the men who are creating this kind of content are peddling,” the 31-year-old says from her studio in Sydney’s Surry Hills.

“But it’s also a comedy. I’m trying to dismantle the power of these men by laughing at them and their ridiculous messaging, such as, ‘Men, you should smash your face in with a hammer if you want to look good.’ That kind of thing, you know?”

Worst habit?
I have a really disgusting obsession, when I get anxious, with cutting my cuticles so much that they bleed. I hate my hands, and it makes me embarrassed, and I feel sick about it. The other one is that every night I find myself doomscrolling on my phone because I’m so scared of the emails that are going to come through the next day. I end up saying out loud, “Alright, stop!” and having to put my phone away in a drawer.

Greatest fear?
Dying in an accident. I’ve been looking into it and I think I actually might have OCD, but that’s a whole other conversation. The one I always think about is jumping into water without seeing how deep it is and then cracking my neck and dying. I grew up in Queensland and even when we’d jump into the pool at home, which we knew was two metres deep, my mum would say “You’re gonna break your bloody neck!“, so maybe that’s where that comes from. I’ve been through a lot of trauma in my life so I’ve got a good threshold when it comes to fears, but the thought of breaking my neck in shallow water? The image is too visceral.

The line that has stayed with you?
My mum and I were sitting on the veranda having a coffee one time – we were talking about an ex-boyfriend of mine who treated me really poorly and I was so distraught – and she casually said, “Oh, the poor bloody kid.” I was like, “Mum, why the f— do you feel sorry for him when he treated me awfully and you’ve seen how upset he makes me?” And she said, “Well, he has to live in his head and you get to live in yours.” It’s really helped me in forgiving people and moving on from things. It’s a reminder that you can only control yourself and that other people are going to do whatever they’re going to do, but aren’t you lucky that you’re you and not someone that hurts or harasses people.

Biggest regret?
Oh, I have so many. When I was younger I was very much controlled by my insecurities and that led to a lot of regrets, such as being with people that I shouldn’t have been with or getting back with people after they cheated on me. Maybe getting back with someone after they gave me an STI? The more I think about it, the more I’m like, oh yeah, that’s definitely the biggest regret [laughs].

Tell us about your turning point.
I’ve been writing my book recently and I’ve been thinking a lot about the start of my relationship with Adam [Hyde, aka Keli Holiday], and that only came from being in a multitude of ever-spiralling, awful relationships from, like, age 23 to 28. Unfortunately, I had to hit rock bottom first.

I had gone through a traumatic breakup and I was living alone in a house in Bangalow. It was pouring rain every day and I had a puppy who was biting everything and there were brown snakes in the garden and the internet wasn’t working, and everything was just f—ed. I was sobbing on the kitchen floor and then I thought, “Well, sobbing isn’t really helping so I’m going to text my friend Adam and see if he has a gig.” And he had a gig at the local pub that weekend, and the rest is history.

The only reason we got together was because I was like, “I’m not having anyone treat me like shit any more, I’m not having anyone not be clear with me, I’m not letting anyone neglect me or yell at me or control me.” That was something I’d never done before. I hadn’t ever had real self respect or boundaries in a relationship.

It led me to being really communicative with Adam. We were friends for years before we got together, but for the first time I was like, “Hey, I have a crush on you and I like you and if you don’t like me I actually can’t do this, I can’t sit here waiting for a text, I’m too f—ed from awfulness.” And it resulted in the most amazing relationship of my life.

The album you wish was yours?
Vera Blue’s Perennial. Every time I’ve had a breakup or a situationship ended, I would listen to Perennial from start to finish to get over it. The way the album’s laid out is kind of like the arc of a breakup, so I would listen to the first song and if I could get through it without crying then I could go to the second song and then the next one. It was cathartic. I met Vera Blue briefly at the ARIAs last year and I was like, “You have no idea how much I love you!” I think she thought I was off my head, but I was sober and just losing my mind.

If you could time travel, where would you go?
Oh, back to the day I took that guy back after he gave me the STI, and I wouldn’t take him back [laughs]. That or the early 2000s, when we had just enough technology.

I wish that smartphones weren’t ever invented. You hear people who are just that little bit older than me talking about how much better everything was, and I just go “F— you. You only took photos for fun! You got to go to music gigs without everyone taking a video!” We do so much now to avoid our screens, like put time limits on our phone or put them in our drawers. I would love for it not to be unusual to not have your phone or to not be in constant contact. It’s quite exhausting.

Abbie Chatfield Loves Men includes shows at Thirroul’s Anita’s Room on July 10, Sydney’s State Theatre on July 11, Melbourne’s Palais Theatre on July 12, and Brisbane’s QPAC Concert Hall on July 26.