NEW YORK—Expressing alarm at their friend’s deeply uncharacteristic behavior, concerned sources reported Tuesday that local alcoholic George Ralston wasn’t himself when he was sober. “George is normally such a loud, outgoing party animal, but when he hasn’t had a drink in a while, he becomes this completely different person,” said Ralston’s friend Joe O’Hara, adding that Ralston’s frightening transformation into someone with common sense and safe driving habits made him all but certain to ruin the night once he had a few pints of bitters and soda in him. “It’s like he’s a shell of the erratic boozehound we know and love. When I look into his lucid, focused eyes, it feels like a stranger staring back at me. It’s honestly sad to see him respecting everyone’s personal space and making a complete gentleman out of himself. Apparently these days he hardly ever wakes up in a hotel room in Atlantic City with no idea of how he got there anymore. That’s not the real George. The real George is 10 beers deep and picking a fight with a bouncer.” O’Hara added that the hardest part of confronting Ralston over his sober episodes was that his friend seemed to lose all memory of them upon returning to his usual self.
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