BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MI—In what they described as a collaborative effort to share resources and information in defense of U.S. territory, Pentagon officials confirmed Monday that all six branches of the armed forces were present at the arrest of undocumented nanny Paola Soto. “It was like the invasion of Normandy the way every American military division descended on that baby’s bedroom, where the nanny was working,” said neighbor Valerie Beatty, explaining that the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, Coast Guard, and Space Force all appeared to work in a coordinated fashion, employing more than $75 billion worth of defense technology and top-secret surveillance equipment to ensure the successful detainment of the 64-year-old Guatemalan migrant. “She’s small, maybe 5 feet tall, but she somehow looked even smaller as they swarmed around her in their helicopters, fighter jets, Humvees, and tanks. They told us it was necessary to guarantee her arrest went smoothly. Honestly, I have no idea how the Navy even got a submarine this far inland.” At press time, the undocumented nanny had reportedly escaped after all six branches of the U.S. military fell to friendly fire.
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